- Quinn Fabray: If we go to our cheerleading competition,then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.
- Santana Lopez: Oh, I'm not.
- Brittany Pierce: I'm Brittany.
- Finn Hudson: It's not too late.
- Dave Karofsky: To commit social suicide? How the hell are you gonna play with five guys, huh?
- [seeing Rachel, Mercedes, Tina, and Lauren suited up]
- Dave Karofsky: You have got to be kidding me.
- Azimio: What the hell are they doing?
- Finn Hudson: What you don't have the balls to do.
- Azimio: [after Puck and Rachel sing "Need You Now"] The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [taking off his guitar] Funny. Yeah, man. That's good.
- Will Schuester: Hey!
- [trying to contain an all-out brawl]
- Will Schuester: Great first day, right?
- Shannon Beiste: Awesome.
- Kurt Hummel: Blaine and I love football. Well Blain loves football, I love scarfs.
- Finn Hudson: There's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So I was thinking maybe we could go together to Dalton and apologize to him, if you...
- Dave Karofsky: Who-who said I want to join the Glee Club permanently?
- Finn Hudson: I just thought after this week and-and... the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance...
- Dave Karofsky: What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?
- Finn Hudson: Maybe. I-I don't know. I-It's a start.
- Dave Karofsky: No, dude, it's a finish. Okay? This is high school. People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
- Finn Hudson: But we've got a chance to really change things here.
- Dave Karofsky: I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?
- Rachel Berry: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
- Kurt Hummel: Let it go, Rachel.
- Rachel Berry: I... I just wish that there was a way that we could help. That's all.
- Mercedes Jones: Yeah. And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.
- Blaine Anderson: Wait, so the whole team quit?
- Mercedes Jones: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.
- Rachel Berry: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.
- Blaine Anderson: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer 'em on.
- Finn Hudson: Dude, relax. This is gonna be fine
- Dave Karofsky: Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
- Shannon Beiste: [entering] No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on that field.
- Dave Karofsky: I don't care. I'm out.
- Shannon Beiste: Then you're off the team.
- Dave Karofsky: No way.
- Shannon Beiste: Yeah.
- Dave Karofsky: If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not gonna throw it away.
- Shannon Beiste: Try me.
- Dave Karofsky: Looking good out there, Puck.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky. I don't want to hear it from any of you. You're all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers.
- Azimio: Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives. This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands! I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay that you settle for being nothing. Well, we still have a whole half to play. And we can win this, guys, I know it.
- Azimio: What's the point, man? Beiste isn't gonna let us play.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
- Azimio: I'm in.
- Strando: Me, too.
- Dave Karofsky: No way.
- Azimio: Come on, man, I really want to win this game. It would mean so much to my dad, man.
- Dave Karofsky: Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever. But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field toot sweet. Come on, let's go!
- Sue Sylvester: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.
- Quinn Fabray: We quit Cheerios!.
- Sue Sylvester: You can't quit Cheerios!. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
- Santana Lopez: But we still quit.
- Sue Sylvester: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!
- Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.
- Quinn Fabray: What are you doing here?
- Finn Hudson: Stopping you from going to Sue's regionals competition. You guys got to come to the game with me.
- Quinn Fabray: Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.
- Finn Hudson: You-you think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios! to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?
- Brittany S. Pierce: Glee Club.
- Finn Hudson: I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
- Quinn Fabray: Okay.
- Finn Hudson: Okay?
- Quinn Fabray: Okay.
- Finn Hudson: What about you, Santana?
- Santana Lopez: Screw her. She put me on the bottom of the pyramid.
- Will Schuester: Rachel, have you ever seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Yeah. And not in the good Mellencamp way.
- Rachel Berry: We thought about that. But the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team. So when they snap the ball, we're just gonna lie down on the ground. We're just gonna lie there.
- Lauren Zizes: Well, I'm not. I'm gonna bring the pain.
- Shannon Beiste: I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
- Will Schuester: Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?
- Tina Cohen-Chang: We all have signed permission slips from them. It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
- Will Schuester: What do you think, Coach?
- Shannon Beiste: I think... welcome to the football team.
- Sam Evans: Why can't we just let them back on the team just for this game?
- Shannon Beiste: No. We carry this thing through, even if it means having to forfeit the game.
- Finn Hudson: I can't believe this is it.
- Rachel Berry: [sharing a look with Mercedes] Maybe it isn't. We want to join the team.
- Artie Abrams: "We" who?
- Mercedes Jones: All of us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship.
- Mike Chang: Come on, guys, stop screwing around. It's not cool.
- Lauren Zizes: What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football. And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so...
- Will Schuester: This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
- Shannon Beiste: Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that.
- Will Schuester: And you are gonna get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year.
- Shannon Beiste: Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship... they're much better than us. If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
- Will Schuester: This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
- Shannon Beiste: I just don't know what to do.
- Will Schuester: [getting an idea] Do you trust me?
- Shannon Beiste: You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?
- Will Schuester: All right, New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
- [overlapping angry shouting]
- Mercedes Jones: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue. Are you serious?
- Will Schuester: Hey! Come on! Guys!
- Shannon Beiste: Hey!
- Finn Hudson: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
- Rachel Berry: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
- Will Schuester: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool; find some common ground.
- Finn Hudson: How the hell could you do this?
- Quinn Fabray: Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?
- Finn Hudson: Uh, quit Cheerios!. Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass: us, Glee Club.
- Will Schuester: [watching a rocky start to rehearsals] It's good, but let's... put a little life into it.
- Dave Karofsky: But we're dead.
- Will Schuester: Then put some afterlife into it. So get out of your heads and get into your characters, all right?
- Dave Karofsky: No freakin' way!
- Will Schuester: We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios! from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.
- Lauren Zizes: And this is a problem because...?
- Shannon Beiste: It's not a problem. It's an opportunity.
- Strando: Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.
- Shannon Beiste: Hey! The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together; to bring the school together.
- Azimio: Wait, so you want us to play the first half, change into some "sequeen" ball gowns, and then go out and do the halftime show at our championship game?
- Shannon Beiste: Yes.
- Azimio: It's the championship game! This is a crazy town.
- Dave Karofsky: [after getting Slushied] Oh, my eyes! It's burning!
- Finn Hudson: Just relax. It stops after a couple hours.
- Dave Karofsky: No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again.
- Artie Abrams: He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.
- Katie Couric: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?
- Sue Sylvester: I'm hanging in there, thank you.
- Katie Couric: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as Loser of the Year?
- Sue Sylvester: I thought this was the Ten Most Fascinating.
- Katie Couric: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, 9% unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?
- Sue Sylvester: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
- Finn Hudson: All right, how's everyone doing?
- Mercedes Jones: Kill me now. I'm gonna die.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I wanna play.
- Finn Hudson: Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?
- Blaine Anderson: Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off the hook, it's dangerous.
- Kurt Hummel: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.
- Rachel Berry: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
- Mercedes Jones: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee; our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.
- Rachel Berry: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close at getting everyone at the school together.
- Kurt Hummel: Why hasn't Finn told anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.
- Blaine Anderson: Warm milk? Really?
- Kurt Hummel: It's delicious.
- Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.
- Sue Sylvester: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom" and no "pow". And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
- Sue Sylvester: Baby cannons?
- Sue Sylvester: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win or don't you?
- Brittany S. Pierce: [taking a pen] How many M's are there in the letter R?
- Sue Sylvester: Make an "X".
- Will Schuester: [watching a rehearsal of "She's Not There"] Guys...
- [glancing at Coach Beiste, who gives a nod of approval]
- Will Schuester: Awesome! Seriously. All you football players nailing that Zombies classic o-on the first time out. I am impressed.
- Quinn Fabray: I never got a chance to thank you. For helping me do the right thing.
- Finn Hudson: Ah, you would have come to it on your own soon enough. So, how does it feel being out of the uniform?
- Quinn Fabray: Weird. Did turn a couple of heads. You were amazing this week. On the field and off. Reminded me of why I loved you.
- Shannon Beiste: What are you guys doing in here?
- Finn Hudson: Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half. It's... it's kind of itchy.
- Shannon Beiste: No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now.
- Shannon Beiste: [seeing the empty football sign-up sheet] I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?
- Will Schuester: It's like crossing a picket line. Nobody wants to be a scab.
- Katie Couric: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?
- Sue Sylvester: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
- Katie Couric: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios! budget is going to the Glee Club?
- Sue Sylvester: I'm sorry?
- Katie Couric: Let's take a look.
- [turning on a videocassette of herself dancing with Schue]
- Katie Couric: After a little song and dance to support the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.
- Will Schuester: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.
- Katie Couric: [pausing the tape] Thoughts?
- Sue Sylvester: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
- Scott Cooper: Appropriate outfits. They represent the death of your guys' reign at this school.
- Finn Hudson: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?
- Scott Cooper: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it.
- Dave Karofsky: They'll think different after they see it. It's gonna be awesome.
- Scott Cooper: Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushies?
- Scott Cooper: Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.
- Sue Sylvester: [narrating] Dear journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss. Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
- Tattooist: [tattooing her back] Wait. It's Syv-lester, right? Sue Syv-lester?
- Will Schuester: Hey, Dave. Talk to you for a second?
- Dave Karofsky: Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so we can get through this?
- Will Schuester: That's not what I was gonna say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put into this, you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school. Just think about it.
- Finn Hudson: You don't need to be a Cheerio! to be cool.
- Quinn Fabray: Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels.
- Finn Hudson: Wow. I never realized you were so freakin' weak.
- Quinn Fabray: Oh. I...
- Sam Evans: What did you say?
- Finn Hudson: All the Cheerios! quit Glee Club.
- Sam Evans: So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?
- Finn Hudson: I'm yelling at her 'cause I'm the leader of this team.
- Sam Evans: Well, maybe it's time for a change at the top.
- Finn Hudson: What's that supposed to mean?
- Quinn Fabray: This is kind of hot, actually.
- Principal Figgins: It's decided. You are not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent!
- [leaving, Sue begins a tear around his secretary's desk outside]
- Principal Figgins: It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it!
- [she continues out in the hall with students around]
- Principal Figgins: Oh, god!
- Will Schuester: It's a lawsuit.
- Shannon Beiste: [watching Sue on a tear in the locker room] What the hell are you doing?
- Sue Sylvester: I'm sending a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
- Will Schuester: [she knocks items off the desk] Sue!
- Shannon Beiste: What the crap are we gonna do now?
- Will Schuester: [getting an idea] I got it.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.
- Quinn Fabray: Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship?
- Sue Sylvester: Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
- Quinn Fabray: This is ridiculous.
- Sue Sylvester: You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios! uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios!, or choose the Glee Club.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
- Finn Hudson: What's your point?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of "Top Gun".
- Finn Hudson: So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?
- Rachel Berry: [flashback to the choir room] I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.
- Dave Karofsky: Hey, I need to talk to you.
- Finn Hudson: Can-can we not fight for just one day? Man, it's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.
- Sue Sylvester: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
- Quinn Fabray: What were you doing in there?
- Sue Sylvester: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops.
- Shannon Beiste: All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
- Dave Karofsky: She's bluffing. Next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.
- Shannon Beiste: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together, or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
- Azimio: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.
- Finn Hudson: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
- Will Schuester: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?
- Rachel Berry: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
- Principal Figgins: Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!
- Sue Sylvester: Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
- Will Schuester: Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.
- Sue Sylvester: I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You're not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
- Principal Figgins: But the risk and danger isn't to you!
- Sue Sylvester: That's the best part.
- Sue Sylvester: [Brittany is reluctant to perform her cannon stunt] To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at rest, we'll do one final test run.
- [putting a life-size doll inside, she fires the cannon, which utterly destroys the doll]
- Sue Sylvester: Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
- Cannonball Guy: This here is the A950.
- Sue Sylvester: You say this could shoot someone across a football field?
- Cannonball Guy: Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.
- Sue Sylvester: Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?
- Cannonball Guy: No, no, no, no!
- [she fires it, launching the mechanic inside out; flying through the football uprights, he lands in a safety net]
- Sue Sylvester: You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella...
- [shaking hands]
- Sue Sylvester: ...I'll take it. You got a smaller one?
- Finn Hudson: What about the Cheerios! in Glee Club?
- Will Schuester: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios! competition.
- Rachel Berry: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios!. I mean...
- Finn Hudson: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.
- Will Schuester: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems: "Thriller".
- [whoops and mutters of excitement]
- Will Schuester: Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? And in the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.
- Mercedes Jones: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know, I'm big on Michael and everything, but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?
- Will Schuester: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."
- Azimio: [more mutters of excitement] Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?
- Shannon Beiste: All right, New Directions, Titans, we're going to zombie camp.