Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Rover Dangerfield (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Danny's father : Rover, I wish we spoke the same language.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, what? You don't speak Bad-joke-ese?

• Nostalgia Critic : All in favor of skipping the song say "fuck off".

  Audience : Fuck off.

• Nostalgia Critic : So Rover's master is a showgirl named Connie, which I gotta say is a pretty risque business.

  [cut to a shot of the Show Girls movie poster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Doesn't she know that everybody got AIDS and shit?

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, this section is so bad, I think I'm gonna spend this time working on other comedians that could be bad animated spin-offs, but at least would be better than this.

  [starts drawing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Alright, these are a little crude, but I think they'll still get the idea across. There's Red Robin Williams, Andrew DICE Clay, the Chris ROCK, Eddie Lizard, oh and probably the most obvious one, PEN and Teller.

  [wads up papers] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, they're shit, but they're still better than this fucking crap.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after Rover falls into corn]  In fact, I'm not even gonna tell you the one-liner. No, I want you to just look at this scenario and tell me the worst possible joke that you can think up. Good luck.

  [switches to the set of Jeopardy!] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, let's look at your answers. No, there's no point in looking at the answer, because I know you all got the same fucking answer. So everybody in the whole goddamn world say on the count of three what exactly the joke is! 1, 2, 3

  [with a chorus] 

  Nostalgia Critic : 'I'M TURNING INTO A CORNDOG!' FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU!

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, at least he doesn't tell us the really bad unfunny jokes. No, no no, no, no. He sings those.

  Rover : [singing]  I'd give up a bone for you.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I don't need to hear about the bones he's giving to other dogs.

  Rover : [singing]  When I first saw your face, my heart began to race. You fill my soul with ecstasy!

  [singing stops] 

  Rover : Oh, well I, you come here often?

  Nostalgia Critic : You know what? This section is so bad, I'm just gonna spend this time working on other comedians that could be bad animated spin-offs but would at least be better than this one!

  Rover : [singing continues]  ... Daisy, I would lie for you, die for you, I'd give up my red tie for you! Why, I would never bark at you, because you are my dream come true.

  Nostalgia Critic : Allright, these are a little crude but I think you'll still get the idea across, um. There's Red Robin Williams, uh, Andrew Dice Clay, The Chris Rock, Eddie Lizard, oh, and probably the most obvious one, Pen & Teller. Yeah, they're shit, but they're still better than this fucking crap!

• Nostalgia Critic : And let's pray to god there's no more animated comedian knock-offs! I mean, what's next? The Nostalgia Kitten? I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remem-

  [pauses in place pointing] 

  Nostalgia Kitten : A cat credit card? Ah? Ah?

  [gets headshot and collapses] 

  Duck Hunt dog : [peeks in and performs signature laugh with a gun in his hands] 

  [in the voice of Rodney Dangerfield] 

  Duck Hunt dog : No respect at all...

• Nostalgia Critic : God Damnit, that's not the ending either! The film provides somebody opportunities to kill this character and yet, they never take advantage of it! Just go Old Yeller on his ass and get rid of him already!

• Nostalgia Critic : No, no. That's not the ending, but trust me. You'll wish it was.

• Danny : His name is... Rover.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Danny]  Well, at least that's what it says on his Nostalgia Critic tie!

• Nostalgia Critic : By the way, what's up with the lighting all of a sudden? We suddenly transformed into "Apocalypse Bow-wow."