Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

A Pudding-Filled Cactus (2010)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [after texting his girlfriend to break up with her, he gets her return text]  Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.

  Charlie Harper : [takes the phone and reads]  "I hate you, you stupid... cork soaker?"

  Alan Harper : Auto spell-check. Anyway, I gotta go.

• Alan Harper : [after cheating on Lyndsey with Melissa]  It was a crazy impulse. Old girlfriend. It was a one-time thing. Uh, well, technically, it was a two-time thing. Second one was in the shower.

  Charlie Harper : Well, that *is* where you've been practicing!

• Melissa : [Waiting for Alan to come home]  Doesn't Alan usually come home right after work?

  Charlie Harper : Usually.

  Melissa : Hope he didn't get into an accident.

  Charlie Harper : Nah, I'm not that lucky.

  Melissa : How can you say that?

  Charlie Harper : I'm just stating a fact.

• Berta : [after Alan moves out]  End of an era, huh, Charlie?

  Charlie Harper : Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew, just the sounds of the ocean... punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.

  Berta : You do know how to paint a picture.

  Charlie Harper : What can I say? I have the heart of a poet.

  Berta : Unfortunately, the rest of you is a drunken scumbag.

• Charlie Harper : [Showing his disgust at Alan sleeping with Melissa while living with Lyndsey]  I'm experienced at promiscuity. *This* is polygamy! And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful!

  Alan Harper : Oh, *this* you find distasteful? The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude... finds *this* distasteful?

  Charlie Harper : That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species!

  Alan Harper : Nothing I'm doing requires a 10-day quarantine... and a series of rabies shots!

• Charlie Harper : Mom, thank God you're here!

  Evelyn Harper : Your sarcasm is unappreciated, Charlie.

• Alan Harper : Oh, my God. Lyndsey is apologizing to me, ha, ha... says she was wrong!

  Charlie Harper : About what?

  Alan Harper : What difference does it make?

  [laughing with joy] 

  Alan Harper : I won an argument with a woman!

• Charlie Harper : [Seeing Alan texting with this phone]  What are you doing?

  Alan Harper : Telling Melissa it's over.

  Evelyn Harper : [Exasperated]  With a text?

  Alan Harper : Well, I'm putting a little sad face at the end.

• Alan Harper : [after breaking up with Melissa]  Well, uh, I guess it's time to go home... and come clean with Lyndsey.

  Charlie Harper : No, no, no! No coming clean! Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble.

  Alan Harper : I don't want to build our new life together on a foundation of lies.

  Evelyn Harper : Oh, yes, you do!

  Charlie Harper : Listen to your mother!

  Evelyn Harper : Trust me. No good ever comes from revealing an indiscretion.

  Alan Harper : And you know this, how?

  Evelyn Harper : I'd rather not say.

  Alan Harper : You're saying when you were married...

  Evelyn Harper : Whoa, whoa. When did everything become about me?

• Alan Harper : [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey]  I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.

  Charlie Harper : [Knowing that Alan is lying and trying to expose him]  Oh, no! What happened?

  Alan Harper : Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.

  Melissa : Oh, my God! Someone died?

  Alan Harper : Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.

  Melissa : Oh, thank goodness.

  Charlie Harper : Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?

  Alan Harper : Good question.

  Charlie Harper : I thought so!

  Alan Harper : Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.

  Melissa : [Looking concerned]  So, he's still out there?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Charlie Harper : [Feigning seriousness]  Did you call the police?

  Alan Harper : Yes, Charlie, I did.

  Charlie Harper : [Continuing to sound serious]  What did they say?

  Alan Harper : They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!