House M.D. (TV Series)

Massage Therapy (2010)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Robert Chase : [about Kelly]  She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh, and she's not like Cameron.

  Dr. Gregory House : True. Cameron had much smaller breasts, by which I mean she was smarter.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House]  Except I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus he was a gay hooker!

  Dr. Gregory House : Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker?

• Dr. Gregory House : So, while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger.

  [shows the wrong slide] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, no. Hold on a second.

  [shows another slide] 

  Dr. Robert Chase : Come on, House.

  Dr. Chris Taub : Is that... that's Baby Chase and his mom. That's adorable.

  Dr. Gregory House : Never mind the baby. Peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape.

  Dr. Chris Taub : They do actually look alike.

  Dr. Gregory House : I know what you're thinking, "Chase wants to sleep with his mom." But who wouldn't hit that, if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called...

• Dr. Robert Chase : [about Kelly Benedict]  What? You like her now?

  Dr. Gregory House : Nope. But she got me to the right answer which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another shot, go for it.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Okay. I will.

  Dr. Gregory House : Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. Come on, why else would you have hired her?

  Dr. Robert Chase : That's not why I hired her!

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Rachel]  Aren't you adorable?

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I was just wondering... Your masseuse?

  Dr. Gregory House : Brandi.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I'm sure I'm imagining this, although not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little... How do I say this? I don't know. A bit slutty.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, she is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : What? Did you have sex with her?

  Dr. Gregory House : Yesterday? Ah! You're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : But you used to have sex with her?

  Dr. Gregory House : Well. it was a massage-plus-happy-ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. Because of you. I've tried 15 different massage therapists in the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.

• Dr. Gregory House : This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.

  Dr. James Wilson : Right. You're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Chase]  I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House, this is Dr. Kelly Benedict, your new fellow.

  Dr. Kelly Benedict : [stands and offers House her hand, but he ignores it]  Nice to meet you. Um, I just finished my psychiatry residency at St. Jude's and I loved studying the mind, but I thought I could make more of a difference, or at least...

  Dr. Gregory House : Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Chase]  Now, some person seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX, because I made you nervous. So this time I'm gonna put you at ease.

  [puts two chairs facing each other] 

  Dr. Gregory House : It's just you and old Doc House. Couple of pals chittin' the chat.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Why not just place her chair above a trapdoor with a shark tank underneath?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because Wednesday's when I get my shark tank cleaned. And also because I'm giving her a chance.

  Dr. Robert Chase : You're giving her a test.

  Dr. Gregory House : This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail sooner rather than later... or pass.

• Dr. Gregory House : Why would I give up one who definitely works, for one who might work?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Because I asked you to.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, that's not really an argument, now, is it?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

• Dr. James Wilson : Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar trade offs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy, go get her a gift and apologize.

  Dr. Gregory House : You finally made a good point.

  Dr. James Wilson : Which clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.

  Dr. Gregory House : Your kitchen's burning.

• Dr. Gregory House : You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : But do you want to spend time with her?

  Dr. Gregory House : Honestly, before this I'd have said no. But... yeah. How are we ever going to be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : House, I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away...

  Dr. Gregory House : Then call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.

• Dr. Gregory House : Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine! Apparently you hadn't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness.

  Billy : It's too hard.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's always hard.

• Dr. Gregory House : What's your position on the legality of illegal break-ins?