We're the Millers (2013)

Jason Sudeikis: David Clark

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Casey Mathis : These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone!

  David Clark : Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?

  Casey Mathis : So? Fuck you, dude!

• Styist : OK, what are we doing today?

  David Clark : Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'

  Middle Aged Man : [Indicating his own haircut]  Right here.

  David Clark : [Points in the mirror]  Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

• Scottie P. : You know what I'm sayin?

  David Clark : Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

• Kenny Rossmore : Hey, David.

  David Clark : Hi, Kenny.

  Kenny Rossmore : So, I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.

  David Clark : It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell are you doing up? It's almost two. Where's your mom?

  Kenny Rossmore : Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.

  David Clark : When?

  Kenny Rossmore : Last week.

• Rose O'Reilly : You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk.

  David Clark : Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch!

  Rose O'Reilly : My crotch only takes twenties, David.

• Kenny Rossmore : So now you're going to become an even bigger drug dealer?

  David Clark : Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.

• David Clark : You can buy a house and run away from it.

• David Clark : She's going to be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

• Kenny Rossmore : What did she say?

  David Clark : What the fuck do you think? She said no.

  Kenny Rossmore : Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

  David Clark : Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van? It'll look like the pervert Olympics.

• [during an argument in the RV] 

  David Clark : We are NOT the fucking Brady Bunch, all right? I'm Marky Mark and y'all are the *Funky Bunch*!

• David Clark : [On the phone]  We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.

  Brad Gurdlinger : Why?

  David Clark : Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!

  Brad Gurdlinger : That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?

• David Clark : We are all now officially international drug smugglers. Add it to the resume.

• David Clark : Oh, my God. You're a dude! Scared the hell out of me! I mean your voice was so much deeper than your bone structure.

• David Clark : I just got ear-fucked in a tent. What do you want from me?

• David Clark : What the fuck is that?

  Brad Gurdlinger : Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.

  David Clark : So you bought a whale?

  Brad Gurdlinger : Well, I don't like sports cars.

• David Clark : I'm here to pickup a smidge of pot.

  David Clark : [Talking on the phone]  This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie-fucking-Nelson, man!

• Kenny Rossmore : Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh fuck a donkey it hurts so much!

  David Clark : What hurts, Kenny?

  Kenny Rossmore : I'm gonna die! I'm gonna fuckin' die!

  David Clark : Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong.

  Rose O'Reilly : What's wrong, Kenny?

  Kenny Rossmore : Fuckin' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my fuckin' balls!

• Brad Gurdlinger : Listen, this is a fucked up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us.

  David Clark : Great.

  Brad Gurdlinger : I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.

• Brad's Receptionist : Can I help you?

  David Clark : Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark, here to see Mr Gurdlinger.

  Brad's Receptionist : I will tell him you're here. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, Fresca?

  David Clark : Hmmmmm, you know what, a Fresca sounds really good.

  Brad's Receptionist : You got it.

• Rose O'Reilly : You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet.

  David Clark : Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.

• Brad Gurdlinger : Go for B-Rad

  David Clark : Hey Brad, what the fuck!

  Brad Gurdlinger : Uh oh, something wrong?

  David Clark : Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.

  Brad Gurdlinger : Smidge and half, no?

  David Clark : Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!

  Brad Gurdlinger : Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"

  David Clark : Why do you sound suprized by this?

• David Clark : Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?

  Brad Gurdlinger : I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

• Brad Gurdlinger : It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.

  David Clark : Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice.

  Brad Gurdlinger : Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?

  David Clark : You were never gonna pay me, were you?

  Brad Gurdlinger : Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore.

  [DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody] 

  Brad Gurdlinger : [as Brad is being handcuffed]  You double crossed me!

  David Clark : Kind of a dick move. right?

• David Clark : Do it for the girls. For Rose and Casey, because believe me, they won't last two days in a Mexican prison.

  Kenny Rossmore : OK, I'll do it for the girls.

  David Clark : Attaboy! I'm proud of you.

  Mexican Cop : Hey, what's going on? Somebody sucking my dick or am I getting 1000 pesos?

  David Clark : Pesos? Why didn't you say so?

  Mexican Cop : A thousand.

  David Clark : Oh, that's like 80 bucks American? Here's a 100. Keep the change.

  Mexican Cop : Gracias

  David Clark : Can't believe you were gonna suck that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.

• Kenny Rossmore : FUCK! Oh, my God. I'm gonna die

  Rose O'Reilly : Tell us what happened.

  Kenny Rossmore : A fucking sipder bit me, David. It bit me on my balls, on my fucking balls!

  Rose O'Reilly : Oh God. Let me see it, Kenny, let me see it.

  Kenny Rossmore : No fucking way, you're not seeing it.

  Rose O'Reilly : Come on. I can't help you unless you show it to me. Sweetie just show it to me.

  David Clark : Kenny, will you just man up and drop your pants?

  Casey Mathis : We've all seen a dick!