Bernie (2011)

Jack Black: Bernie Tiede

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Bernie Tiede : [cosmetizing corpse during guest lecture]  And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift. Even the slightest hint of teeth can be disastrous. You cannot have grief tragically become a comedy.

• Bernie Tiede : [referring to chain-sawn sculpture]  How do you do that?

  Chainsaw Artist : I wake up in the morning with an idea, and cut away everything that ain't that idea.

• Bernie Tiede : Can I tell you, I am not fond of cremations. I just don't like the idea of someone spending eternity in something the size of a motel ice bucket.

• Bernie Tiede : [cosmetizing corpse during guest lecture]  Just a note to always remember: Too much color does not make one look more alive.

• Bernie Tiede : These economy boxes are not very large. We may have to make a leg adjustment to get a proper fit.

  Mrs. Eckles : Leg adjustment?

  Bernie Tiede : Well, not necessarily break the legs, but definitely bend the feet...

  Mrs. Eckles : [appalled, patting Mr. Eckles' chest in concern]  No! No, I... I won't have it.

  Bernie Tiede : Then may I suggest the Corinthian?

• Townsperson : I wrote the warden a letter. Yeah, I did. I told him that he had to give you a work release or something like that, so that you could sing at my funeral. Now, I'm not sick or anything, but now Bernie, you promised me that you would do that. And I totally mean wear those lil' chains or whatever if it made them feel better, so...

  Bernie Tiede : That is awful sweet, Lenora. And it would be an honor, but don't count on it. I don't think they're letting me out of here for nothing.

  Townsperson : Oh pfft... sure they will. I told him that you went temporarily insane. And we're all going insane sooner or later.

• Scrappy Holmes : So why did you leave the body there? It would seem to me that if you didn't want to get caught, you'd find some way to dispose of it.

  Bernie Tiede : Oh, no, no. No, I could never do that. That was never my intention. Everyone deserves a proper burial. And I was... I was just waiting for my chance to give her one.

• Bernie Tiede : [cosmetizing corpse during guest lecture]  The eyes are often a minor problem because they usually want to stay open. It's almost like they want one last look at this miraculous world. But with some superglue... a little dab will do, and it's no more peeking.

• Bernie Tiede : [reaching for a slot in coffin]  If you pardon my reach, Mrs. Thompson, this is a memory drawer.

• Townsperson (KGA Radio DJ) : A kid would wrap his car around a tree, and with Bernie, it was...

  [scene cuts away] 

  Bernie Tiede : [speaking wistfully into KGA Radio's microphone]  And yet, death slipped up on young Mr. Shotwell, as gentle as a fallen mist.