- Self - Host: James Caan
- Self - Guest: James Caan, yeah and the game, philosophy, social commentary... fantastic
- Self - Host: window or aisle?
- Self - Guest: window
- Self - Host: because you don't mind getting up to go to the bathroom and making the person in the aisle to stand up?
- Self - Guest: no, the view
- Self - Host: you got the view, ok, favorite smell?
- Self - Guest: [after taking a deep breath] I'm gonna pick my 1974 Norton Commando, when the engine warms up, when you've been given the "good go", the oil and the engine heats up... it's really good
- Self - Host: alright, I like it, cats or dogs?
- Self - Guest: dogs but I'm starting to really like cats too
- Self - Host: you only get to listen to one song for the rest of your life, what is it?
- Self - Guest: [before the audience applauses] I'm gonna take Joy Division, "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
- Self - Host: nice, what number am I thinking of?
- Self - Guest: six
- Self - Host: no
- Self - Guest: three
- Self - Host: no, you only get one guess. Describe the rest of your life in five words
- Self - Guest: [confused] what? What kind of question... ."
- Self - Host: [repeating the question slowly] describe the rest of your life in five words
- Self - Guest: What kind of "question" is that?
- Self - Host: it's not a "question", it's a "demand." There's no question mark there
- Self - Guest: ok, well then, I'm gonna be "hopeful," health", "love", "friendship", "motorcycles"
- Self - Host: you are "known" congratulations
- Self - Guest: yeah
- Self - Host: alright, Lou Reed was cool about it?
- Self - Guest: he was
- Self - Host: how about the friend who you got Lou Reed's autograph?
- Self - Guest: yeah, he was cool too, it was like a little piece of paper and blue ink and yeah it was good. It just said "Lou Reed"
- Self - Host: it would've been really disappointing if it didn't say "Lou Reed"
- Self - Guest: I know, it could've said "All my best" or... you know what I mean?
- Self - Host: [amused, referring to what Reed could've wrote] "All my best, have a great summer, don't ever change..."
- Self - Guest: [referring to what else Reed could've wrote] "Happy Holidays"
- Self - Host: [referring to what else Reed could've wrote] "I'll remember our time up at the lake, Happy Hanukah"
- Self - Guest: yeah, you never know, it's Lou Reed
- Self - Host: [while looking at his notecards] ok, so this is the one I've asked you before...
- Self - Guest: [interrupts him, referring to a celebrity autograph] oh, I've asked for another one
- Self - Host: who?
- Self - Guest: George Carlin
- Self - Host: [surprised] did you get George Carlin... oh, I'm so jealous, I'm such a fan
- Self - Guest: [becoming emotional from Carlin's passing] yeah, he was beautiful but he...
- Self - Host: and that was for you?
- Self - Guest: yep, yeah but I can't swear on this show, right?
- Self - Host: you can swear, sure go ahead
- Self - Guest: it was really funny, he wrote "Dear Keanu, fuck you"
- Self - Host: [while the audience laughs and applauds] that's pretty great
- Self - Guest: yeah, and I always thought that he wrote that just for me
- Self - Host: yeah?
- Self - Guest: and then I met someone else that said he wrote the same thing to them
- Self - Host: sure
- Self - Guest: anyway... beautiful
- Self - Host: [while looking at his notecards] so, this is the question I've asked you before that inspired the whole Colbert Questioner series. I asked you "What do you think happens when we die?"
- Self - Host: [after cutting to a clip of Reeves' responding "I know the ones who loves us, will miss us"] which is a lovely answer, would you like to "mend" that answer in any way?
- Self - Guest: [nervously] no, I don't want to mend" that, you're asking me again?
- Self - Host: no, we're moving on
- Self - Guest: oh ok
- Self - Host: you've given me the answer: that one's been "banked"
- Self - Guest: [relieved] ok
- Self - Host: favorite action movie?
- Self - Guest: oh, gosh
- Self - Host: and it's ok if you're in it
- Self - Guest: really?
- Self - Host: yeah, you can name one of your own movies
- Self - Guest: no, but when I was a kid... Roller Ball
- Self - Host: your always great to talk to
- Self - Guest: thank you
- Self - Host: it's always an honest conversation: an interesting conversation with really surprising answers. Everybody loves seeing you but here's the "thing", people think I get to know the people that I'm interviewing, it's such a short period of time to actually "penetrate the soul", of a human being and I really want to know my guests on a "deeper level" so what we did here at the Late Show Labs is a series of fifteen questions after which, once these questions have been asked and answered...
- Self - Guest: [interrupts him] yeah?
- Self - Host: the guest is known "fully"
- Self - Guest: oh, the "whole thing", the "whole" fifteen questions?
- Self - Host: the whole fifteen questions and that does it and I want you to know that "you" are one of the inspirations for doing the Colbert Questionert because several years ago, I asked you a question, one of the questions I'm about to ask you, I have your answer here and I'll get to it, the answer you gave us from one of these questions I asked you from a random interview led to this questioner and people will know when I get to it. Are you ready to be "known?"
- Self - Guest: [jokingly] absolutely not
- Self - Host: what is the best sandwich?
- Self - Guest: [confused] best sandwich, you mean like for me?
- Self - Host: [clarifying the question] who else would you answer for?
- Self - Guest: I don't know, you could "set up" at your "lab", what could go into the best sandwich, like the balance of flavor...
- Self - Host: [interrupts him, jokingly] that is a valid if hostile response
- Self - Guest: I'll answer the question, today I'm going to choose, toasted crunchy, peanut butter with honey
- Self - Host: [while the audience applauses] bold, that's very bold. What's the one thing you should really throw out?
- Self - Guest: [while thinking it over] it's so difficult for me to throw things away, I'm a little of a "pack rat"
- Self - Host: [jokingly] look at the garage in your mind
- Self - Guest: [continuing to think it over] I don't want to throw anything away, you know what? I don't have an answer for that: it's too much
- Self - Host: do you live a spartan life, is there nothing...?
- Self - Guest: [interrupts him, amused] obviously not
- Self - Host: ok, so nothing, everything's essential
- Self - Guest: [before the audience laughs] it is right now
- Self - Host: what is the scariest animal?
- Self - Guest: you know when I was a kid, I always... spiders
- Self - Host: yes sir
- Self - Guest: spiders with the "things"
- Self - Host: one hundred percent, that was a good answer
- Self - Host: [continuing with the next question] apples or oranges?
- Self - Guest: apples
- Self - Host: because you can put crunchy peanut butter on an apple
- Self - Guest: it's so good
- Self - Host: what a combination. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
- Self - Guest: yes
- Self - Host: may I ask who?
- Self - Guest: [before the audience applauses] Lou Reed
- Self - Host: did you get it?
- Self - Guest: yes
- Self - Host: wow
- Self - Guest: but it wasn't for me: it was for a friend
- Self - Host: it was for a friend?