- Harry Vanderspeigle: She wanted me to take over her body last night with my penis, but I did not do that.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: You want to write her a note? Okay. All right, look. Here's what I want you to do. Here go five dollars. Now, I want you to go down to the mall. You know that kiosk, where they write your name of a grain of rice? Right, you're gonna give that guy five dollars, he going to write your note on the end of a bullet. Right? Now, I want you to take that bullet, and I want you to put it in a gun and go home and stand in your bathtub. And you're also gonna need a phone book. Not something thin, like Patience, something with some girth, like, like Denver, right? And you're gonna put that phone book up against one side of your head, and you're gonna take that gun and put it against the other side, right? And then you're gonna shoot yourself right in the head, and that bullet's gonna fly right through and lodge itself right around D's, for dumbass. And she'll get your note.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: But I'm dead.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: You tell her, you're dead anyway.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: She likes long naps, and it is better than being awake for her real life. Her boss is a bad man.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, she said something about that.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: He will not bother her again.
- Asta Twelvetrees: What did you do?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The same thing you would've done if you had the strength of six gorillas. I am glad to be out of her body. People treated it like breakroom yogurt. Even though her name was on it, they felt comfortable molesting it when they were hungry. It is awful being short.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, that's not because she's short. That's being a woman. Welcome to our world.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You mean you all feel the eyes hunting you like a baby deer in the woods just walking down the street?
- Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, I tried to tell you. You know, next time a woman tries to tell you something, sit down, shut up, and listen. and if you feel the need to say anything, all it needs to be is yes ma'am. Okay?
- Asta Twelvetrees: You should try putting yourself in other people's shoes.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Ugh! Other people's shoes smell like other people's feet.
- Deputy Liv Baker: You've made me feel good about myself, so I'm open to what you're going to say next.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I know that I am not as pretty as E.T. I do not have his bulbous football head or his squat Corgi legs or his... platypus feet, but I can be a charming alien when I need to be. Mm, mm, mm.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I would like to go by your work. Maybe you could give me a tour of your lab.
- Carlyn: Oh, I love that you're interested; that's very flattering. But I can't. Security is so tight, not dissimilar to my vagina.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Your vagina is like a lab?
- Carlyn: Yeah. It's - it's tough to get in.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It is?
- Carlyn: Lots of neat stuff once you're there.