Community (TV Series)

Critical Film Studies (2011)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Abed Nadir : I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

  Jeff Winger : Here and there.

  Abed Nadir : I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.

  Jeff Winger : Looking for work?

  Abed Nadir : No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

  Jeff Winger : Well, that's cool of them.

  Abed Nadir : Mhm.

  Jeff Winger : I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?

  Abed Nadir : Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.

  Jeff Winger : Wait, you went? When?

  Abed Nadir : Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.

  Jeff Winger : Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

  Abed Nadir : You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.

  Jeff Winger : [stunned pause]  Um, your food's getting cold.

  Abed Nadir : Oh, how silly of me.

• Abed Nadir : Okay, well, I'm new at this, so can you start our real conversation?

  Jeff Winger : I don't believe there's such a thing. Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

  Abed Nadir : Not all the time.

  Jeff Winger : That's a lie.

  Abed Nadir : We don't lie when we're alone.

  Jeff Winger : Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

  Abed Nadir : How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

  Jeff Winger : You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

  Abed Nadir : No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

  Jeff Winger : What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

  Abed Nadir : Well, I don't believe that happens.

  Jeff Winger : Wrong! That's me! I did that last week.

  Abed Nadir : But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

  Jeff Winger : Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me.

  [sighs] 

  Jeff Winger : God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being...

  [puts his constant-buzzing phone into his drink] 

  Jeff Winger : The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

  [sighs] 

  Jeff Winger : Can I tell you something I've never told anyone else?

  Abed Nadir : Yes.

• Jeff Winger : And I said, "No, that's a girl's costume." And my mom said, "It's fine, indian boys have long hair and braids too." There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do? I put the damn thing on and I went door-to-door. And everyone was going, "Oh, what a pretty little girl." And by the third house...

  [harshly whispers] 

  Jeff Winger : I stopped correcting them.

  [normal voice] 

  Jeff Winger : I mean, why draw attention to it? And, honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off... I was just glad they thought I was pretty.

  [relieved exhale and smile] 

  Jeff Winger : God, this is incredible... I mean, to be able to talk this openly.

  [Abed looking uncomfortable] 

  Jeff Winger : I mean, why can't people be like this? I mean, what's wrong with this world?

• Abed Nadir : You're mad at me.

  Jeff Winger : I spent a week planning a party to make you happy. And then I bailed on the party and ruined it, again, just to make you happy. And then it turns out that while I was wasting time trying to make you happy, you were making yourself happy all over everyone else by doing yet another stupid movie spoof.

  Abed Nadir : I prefer the term "homage." It wasn't about making me happy. I chose "My Dinner with Andre" because it's about a guy, who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening with a weird friend he's been avoiding lately.

  Jeff Winger : You think I've been avoiding you?

  Abed Nadir : You and I hung out more last year. It makes sense. Everyone else is growing and changing all the time, and that's not really my jam. I'm more of a fast-blinking, stoic, removed, uncomfortably self-aware type. Like Data or Johnny 5 or Mork or HAL or K.I.T.T. or K9 or Woodstock and/or Snoopy. Of course Spock probably goes without saying...

  Jeff Winger : [interrupts]  Abed, I don't need you to grow or change. And take it from somebody who just had a meaningless one, sometimes emotional breakthroughs are overrated. And, seriously, I need you to keep a tight, heavy lid on the little Indian girl story.

  Abed Nadir : Sure.

  Jeff Winger : [with emphasis]  Tight, heavy lid.

• Jeff Winger : What matters is this... talking.

  Waiter : Is everything... okay?

  Abed Nadir : Uh, yes. Just the check, please.

  Waiter : Oh, I'm sorry. So you're ending early?

  [Abed waves off waiter] 

  Waiter : Because in My Dinner with Andre the waiter...

  Abed Nadir : [whispers]  Check, check, check. Bye.

  Jeff Winger : [hoarse whisper]  Abed?

  Abed Nadir : Mm-hm.

  Jeff Winger : What's My Dinner with Andre?

  Abed Nadir : It's just a movie about, uh... two guys talking at a restaurant...

  [trails off] 

  Jeff Winger : [Jeff retrieves his phone from the water glass] 

  [normal voice] 

  Jeff Winger : So this wasn't a real conversation? You were doing another movie?

  Abed Nadir : A movie about a real conversation.

  Jeff Winger : Did you poop your pants on the set of Cougar Town?

  Abed Nadir : That shouldn't matter.

  Jeff Winger : [angrily slams his fist on the table]  This is why we don't hang out.

• Jeff Winger : I'll give you $1,200 for the damages, if you promise to give Britta her job back.

  Brian : $800, and she stays fired.

  Jeff Winger : Deal.

  [Brian and Jeff shake hands] 

• Abed Nadir : Jeffrey.

  [Abed enters wearing a cardigan] 

  Jeff Winger : Buddy.

  [Jeff looks perplexed as Abed embraces him, Jeff does not reciprocate] 

  Jeff Winger : I like your sweater. Did it come with a golden retriever?

  [Abed chuckles] 

• Abed Nadir : You know what I was, Jeff? I was that wallet. On the surface, a reference to some cinematic drivel, but on the inside, empty.

  Jeff Winger : But you love Tarantino.

  Abed Nadir : No, no, not anymore. That's why I wanted to have this dinner with you. This is the first birthday of my new life. You know, the wallet's cute, Jeff, but I'd like to exchange it for a better gift. I'm not leaving here until you've given me my first real conversation.

  Jeff Winger : [weakly]  Yea.