- Mike Heck: All right. I'll take football.
- Frankie Heck: No way. Why do you get football?
- Mike Heck: I'm a guy.
- Frankie Heck: Oh, come on. Cross country's a sport, too.
- Mike Heck: Is it? They run into the woods and come out two hours later. Lost dogs do the same thing.
- Sue Heck: How's my time? Am I winning?
- Frankie Heck: Oh, not exactly. The other runners have all come in.
- Sue Heck: Oh really? Well, I lost some time in the woods. An angry raccoon wouldn't let me stay on the path. And I fell into a pricker bush and it took a while to get out. And then I threw up a little. But I think I'm on a runner's high now.
- Axl Heck: Well, if you wanted to wait sixteen years until the perfect moment to destroy my life so I can never show my face outside this house again, congratulations, Mom, your evil plan worked.
- Sue Heck: Well, I think Axl's being a baby. Embarrassment's an important part of sports. My coach told me that.
- Mike Heck: I just don't get it. When's that kid gonna grow up?
- Frankie Heck: Why are you in such a hurry for him to grow up? So he can, quick, be a teenager like Axl and have nothing to do with us? Don't wish the time away, Mike.