- Glenn Quagmire: [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
- Peter Griffin: Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
- Glenn Quagmire: No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, gay.
- Glenn Quagmire: It's totally different!
- Lois Griffin: Sounds the same.
- Glenn Quagmire: Well, it's not!
- Peter Griffin: Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
- Glenn Quagmire: No, he'd date men.
- Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: Gay.
- Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm off.
- Lois Griffin: Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck where you wind up.
- Peter Griffin: Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
- Brian Griffin: I'm just going away for a few days.
- Peter Griffin: Oh.
- Lois Griffin: Oh. Okay.
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? It would be that easy for you?
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Brian Griffin: You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck"? What the hell was that?
- Lois Griffin: Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?
- Brian Griffin: You know what? Never mind.
- Lois Griffin: Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.
- Lois Griffin: And we're prepared for that.
- Joe Swanson: [listening to one of Dan's stories, texting to Peter] How gay is this guy?
- Peter Griffin: [texting back] So ducking gay.
- [seeing the typo]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct. But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.
- Glenn Quagmire: [after hearing several double entendre comments from his father's fellow sailors] Dad... are you gay?
- Dan Quagmire: What?
- Glenn Quagmire: Are you gay, dad?
- Dan Quagmire: No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
- Glenn Quagmire: Just... just tell me the truth.
- Dan Quagmire: I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
- Glenn Quagmire: All right, come on, now! That's not helping!
- Dan Quagmire: Son, you have my word, I am not gay.
- Glenn Quagmire: You promise?
- Dan Quagmire: I promise.
- Glenn Quagmire: All right, I believe you.
- Dan Quagmire: But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex change operation.
- Glenn Quagmire: Oh, come on. Just be gay.
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: [entering from the ER covered in blood] Wow! That thing was on there.
- Glenn Quagmire: How is he, doc? Is he all right?
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: No, I'm afraid not.
- [Quagmire gasps in horror]
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: But she's gonna be just fine.
- Dan Quagmire: [entering with his new feminine body] What do you think, boys?
- Brian Griffin: So, there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.
- Lois Griffin: Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?
- Brian Griffin: [pause] Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay.
- Lois Griffin: What? Quagmire never said anything about that.
- Peter Griffin: I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it.
- Lois Griffin: Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?
- Peter Griffin: Well, a lot of little things; the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the entire DVD set of "Sex and the City" between his butt cheeks.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, no he didn't!
- Peter Griffin: No, he didn't. He had the DVD set; I was just being colorful with the rest of it.
- Peter Griffin: What are you gonna name it? Huh? What are you gonna name your he/she father/mother?
- Glenn Quagmire: Knock it off!
- Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
- Lois Griffin: Peter!
- Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
- Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
- Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
- Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
- Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.
- Meg Griffin: I like the outfit you have on.
- Dan Quagmire: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
- Meg Griffin: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.
- Peter Griffin: [to Ida] So tell me about those knockers. Are we... Are those... Is that just, like, implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?
- Glenn Quagmire: [leaving in disgust] All right, I'm out of here.
- Stewie Griffin: I wonder if I could push mine inside.
- [reaching into his overalls]
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, my god. It worked. It's gone! I can't believe it... oh, no, it's back.
- Glenn Quagmire: [after Brian had sex with Quagmire's Dad, enraging Quagmire] Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?
- [Brian tries to hide under the bed, only to be discovered by Quagmire]
- Glenn Quagmire: Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! YOU'RE DEAD!
- [brutally beats up Brian throughout the house]
- Glenn Quagmire: If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!
- Joe Swanson: [meeting Quagmire's dad] I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.
- [he leans back in his wheelchair, akin to standing up straight, and salutes]
- Dan Quagmire: I'll take it. And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.