- P.J. Franklin: [about Mike's birthday] What is this, uh, thirty...?
- Mike Callahan: I will be turning, ah, thirty-five.
- Kenny Morittori: Ooooo!
- Brendan Dorff: Gross!
- Bobby Newman: Dude, I think that officially makes you the old man of the group.
- Mike Callahan: Not so fast. Grandpa here is thirty-six.
- Kenny Morittori: Thirty-five and three quarters.
- Mike Callahan: You don't look a day over fifty.
- Kenny Morittori: You don't act a day over twelve.
- Brendan Dorff: Old man fight! Old man fight! Old man fight!
- Stephanie Layne: You are never gonna guess what I'm doing tomorrow.
- Brendan Dorff: Going fishing.
- Bobby Newman: Driving to St. Louis.
- Mike Callahan: Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
- Bobby Newman: What's the Vince Vaughn movie?
- Stephanie Layne: Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, and it's called, um...
- Brendan Dorff: "Shih Tzu Happens."
- Kenny Morittori: "Legal Beagles."
- Brendan Dorff: Doesn't even make any sense, man. Why would the dogs be lawyers?
- Kenny Morittori: I don't know. "Shih Tzu Happens" makes sense?
- P.J. Franklin: [to Mike] If we go out at eight, we'll hit more bars, increasing your chance of finding the future Mrs. Mike Calligan.
- Kenny Morittori: Or, at the very least, your next incredibly awkward sexual experience.
- Bobby Newman: You are not gonna BELIEVE what I've been dealing with.
- Brendan Dorff: Flat tire.
- Kenny Morittori: Buffalo stampede.
- Mike Callahan: Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
- Stephanie Layne: [to Mike] See more than one play.
- Mike Callahan: You know what I want for my birthday? Just for one day, I would like you to be nice to me.
- Kenny Morittori: How 'bout I get you a hip replacement and a bucket of fiber?
- Brendan Dorff: Old man fight! Old man fight!
- P.J. Franklin: Brendo, come on, dude. I mean, a giant panther tattoo doesn't exactly scream "Hey, I'm completely stable." More like, "Ooo, hepatitis C."