- Homer Simpson: With you at my side, this toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.
- Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
- Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
- Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
- Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
- Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
- [Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
- Barney Gumble: Whoa!
- Bart Simpson: You should treat yourself. You work hard for us, or at least you're out a lot.
- Homer Simpson: You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis, when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.
- Moe Szyslak: Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.
- Homer Simpson: What cut?
- Moe Szyslak: Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.
- Charles Montgomery Burns: [Playing a WWII game] Wait, I'm shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remember it.
- Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
- Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
- Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
- Jasper: Ten minutes.
- Lenny Leonard: Homer's got a girlfriend!
- Homer Simpson: She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl I used to go out with and then married who used to be my friend.
- Homer Simpson: Could you use someone like me in your band?
- Chris Martin: Sure, Homer. Come on up, you can play tambourine.
- Homer Simpson: I said someone like me, I didn't say me.
- Ricardo Bomba: Well, here I am, about to start my new life in Springfield...
- [Sees Homer drive off cliff]
- Ricardo Bomba: What an idiot! And now to say my catch phrase. Soon you will be mi...
- [Crashes against cliffside]