Family Guy (TV Series)

Brian & Stewie (2010)

Seth MacFarlane: Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.

  Brian Griffin : Well I... I love you, too, Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

• Stewie Griffin : Brian?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah.

  Stewie Griffin : I just realized something. Tomorrow is Sunday.

  Brian Griffin : [looks up]  fuck!

  [censored] 

• [having convinced Brian to eat the poop from his diaper, Stewie throws up in disgust watching him] 

  Stewie Griffin : Got some dessert for you.

  Brian Griffin : You gotta be kidding me.

  Stewie Griffin : Come on, it's throw up. You like throw up.

  Brian Griffin : I do. I do like throw up.

• Stewie Griffin : You even cried after Columbine.

  Brian Griffin : Because that was a national tragedy.

  Stewie Griffin : Ehh... it was kind of a regional tragedy.

• Brian Griffin : So, you invented a time machine but you can't get us out of a safe?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, that's science. I'm not Houdini.

• Brian Griffin : [when Stewie points a gun at him]  Stewie, come on. You don't know how to use that thing.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, really? What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

  Brian Griffin : [gets nervous]  Whoa, whoa, man, take it easy. I don't want any trouble.

• Brian Griffin : [after Stewie soils his diaper]  You're out of your fucking mind.

  Brian Griffin : Now, you promised you'd hear me out. Besides, is it really that big a deal? You just said yourself that you're starving. And, you know, I've seen you eat poop before, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, mine!

  Stewie Griffin : Is that really a huge distinction?

  Brian Griffin : It is to me! I can't even... how would... you... that's sick! That is sick! How messed up in the head are you that y-you, you would even ask?

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, okay, okay, just calm down, okay? We're not, we're not... we're just talking. We're not doing anything yet. All right, we're just talking. Nobody's doing anything at this point. Dogs sometimes eat feces. It's not a judgment; it's just a fact. So what I would need you to do is eat what's in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my fanny, and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my fanny. Yeah, you should start wrapping your brain around that, too.

  Brian Griffin : There is no way any of that is happening.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, I don't see a way around it, do you?

  Brian Griffin : I would shoot myself first.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, how you gonna shoot yourself? There's no gun in here.

  [Brian glances at his safety deposit box] 

  Stewie Griffin : There's a gun in your safety deposit box, isn't there?

• Brian Griffin : Hey, I'm starving. You want to grab a late lunch?

  Stewie Griffin : Can't. I'm Jenny Craig-ing. Already paid for the meals. And if I want to return this sweater, we've got to get to Wyndam's by half 6:00.

  Brian Griffin : Half 6:00?

  Stewie Griffin : Yes. You have to return it within a fortnight for a refund. I love it, but I feel like it was too much.

  [taking it out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Cute, right? It's Thom Browne. It was over $3,000.

  Brian Griffin : You spent $3,000 on a sweater?

  Stewie Griffin : What's it to you?

  Brian Griffin : That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. You're a moron. A pretentious moron.

  Stewie Griffin : Drop dead. I was returning it, anyway.

  Brian Griffin : Where'd you even get that kind of money?

  Stewie Griffin : None of your damn business, that's where.

• Stewie Griffin : Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see "The Bounty Hunter" that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly, and...

  Brian Griffin : Give me the damn phone!

  Stewie Griffin : [pushing him away]  Hey! Stop it.

  [returning to his call] 

  Stewie Griffin : Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager.

  [to Brian] 

  Stewie Griffin : I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly.

  [Brian takes the phone] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey!

  Brian Griffin : Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back... it's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?

  Stewie Griffin : A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with.

• Stewie Griffin : Look, I'm going to propose something, and I need you to hear me out. Will you promise me you'll do that?

  Brian Griffin : I guess.

  Stewie Griffin : You guess or you will?

  Brian Griffin : Yes, I'll hear you out.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, well, I can't be in a soiled diaper until tomorrow, Brian; we both know that. I'll get a rash, which could lead to an infection if left like this.

  Brian Griffin : All-all right, fine, I'll take the diaper off.

  Stewie Griffin : That doesn't really solve our problem, now, does it?

  Brian Griffin : Yes, it does.

  Stewie Griffin : No, it doesn't, though, really. See, you're... you're not... you're not really thinking this through. W-We would still be faced with the problem of the odor, you see. And-and, of course, you know, then what am I gonna do with no diaper? I'm-I'm not gonna walk around here with-with my tic tac hanging out. I-I need a clean diaper.

  Brian Griffin : I told you, we don't have any clean diapers.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, well, no, I mean, not right now we don't, no. But if-if the poo were to be removed...

  Brian Griffin : I'm not following you.

  Stewie Griffin : If the poo were to be removed...

  Brian Griffin : W-What does that...? What are you driving at?

  Stewie Griffin : Eat it.

• Stewie Griffin : Hurry up. We still have to swing by Wyndham's before they close.

  Brian Griffin : Relax. I'm almost done.

  Stewie Griffin : And why do you have a safety deposit box, anyway? What's in there that you can't bury in the yard?

  Brian Griffin : I have things.

  Stewie Griffin : You have a dead bird in there? What are you gonna do with that?

  Brian Griffin : I was gonna take it home, show it to Lois, make her proud of me.

• Brian Griffin : Don't you have your cell phone with you?

  Stewie Griffin : [gasping in realization]  You're right!

  [taking it out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, no, low battery. I have to make this call count.

  Brian Griffin : [he dials]  Hurry up.

  Stewie Griffin : It's ringing.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, thank God.

  Stewie Griffin : Come on, come on. Yes, hi. Can you connect me to men's designer wear, please? Thank you.

  Brian Griffin : What are you doing?

  Stewie Griffin : This will just take a second.

  Brian Griffin : [reaching for the phone]  Give me that!

• Stewie Griffin : Hey! Hello! Hello! Somebody! We're trapped in here!

  Brian Griffin : You're wasting your breath. These bank vault doors close automatically at the end of the workday. This thing won't be open again 'til tomorrow.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, there's got to be some way out of here. Think!

  Brian Griffin : I don't know. You think of something.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, I have no idea!

• Brian Griffin : Can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor.

  Stewie Griffin : [scratching at his butt]  I'm uncomfortable. You have to change me.

  Brian Griffin : I'm not changing you. We don't even have any diapers. Oh, my god, that smell is making me sick.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, thank you for making me more self-conscious. I'm not gonna be able to stay like this until tomorrow, you know.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it.

  Stewie Griffin : You don't?

  Brian Griffin : No, I don't. Stop looking at me like that.

• Brian Griffin : Good evening, America. Tonight, we present a full hour of "Family Guy", beginning with a very special extended episode, followed by some never-before-seen musical clips.

  Stewie Griffin : That's right. So without further ado, here's a little episode entitled "Stewie & Brian".

  Brian Griffin : Well, actually, it's called "Brian & Stewie."

  Stewie Griffin : Really? Shouldn't it be person before animal, like "Turner & Hooch"?

  Brian Griffin : I don't think that movie is a good example. Of anything. Besides, it's alphabetical.

  Stewie Griffin : You asked to have your name first, didn't you?

  Brian Griffin : [dodging the question]  Ladies and gentlemen, here's "Brian & Stewie."

  Stewie Griffin : Pathetic.

• Brian Griffin : [at gunpoint]  I don't want any trouble.

  Stewie Griffin : There's not gonna be any trouble as long as you eat my poo.

  Brian Griffin : That's not happening.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, then I'll be forced to shoot you.

  Brian Griffin : Go ahead. There aren't any bullets in that gun.

  Stewie Griffin : I don't believe you.

  Brian Griffin : Then shoot me.

  Stewie Griffin : I will.

  Brian Griffin : Do it.

  Stewie Griffin : I will!

  Brian Griffin : Then do it. What are you waiting for? Go on!

  Stewie Griffin : I will! I'll blow your fucking head off!

• Stewie Griffin : You know, today started as a really nice outing, but as usual, you had to ruin it.

  Brian Griffin : I had to ruin it?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, you. You know, I-I was actually hoping that you'd talk me out of returning this sweater. So, you're right. I guess I am a moron. You know, i-it's the one time I ever splurged on myself, and you have to go and make me feel foolish.

  Brian Griffin : Look, I didn't...

  Stewie Griffin : Save it, okay? I'll be waiting outside under the porte cochère.

  [leaving] 

  Stewie Griffin : It's my own fault for thinking I could have pretty things. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel you should know that.

  Brian Griffin : [the vault door slams shut and locks]  What was that?

  [going to the door and trying to push it open] 

  Brian Griffin : I don't believe this.

  [pounding on it] 

  Brian Griffin : Hello? Hello? We're locked in!

  [sniffing] 

  Brian Griffin : Did you... did you just crap your diaper?

  Stewie Griffin : I got scared when the door closed.

• Brian Griffin : [slapping Stewie]  You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!

  Stewie Griffin : [rubbing his cheek]  That really hurt.

  Brian Griffin : Just get away from me! I can't even look at you!

  Stewie Griffin : Well, I'm-I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

  Brian Griffin : Don't!

  [with tears in his eyes, Stewie lays down and sniffles, fidgeting with his diaper through his overalls] 

  Brian Griffin : [with a sigh]  All right, I'll do it.

  Stewie Griffin : What are you talking about?

  Brian Griffin : I can't leave you like this. But you have to swear never to tell anybody.

  Stewie Griffin : You mean you're gonna eat my... yeah, no, no, I won't tell anybody. I swear!