- Professor Okembje: Every day we raze billions of trees to make wrappings for food that we discard with ignorance. The destruction of our own planet is sinisterly tied to the stuffing of our own obscene faces with barely edible slop. I have determined that our current behavior of unmitigated mastication is outmoded and corrupt. I shall bring eating into the 22nd century with my revolutionary food teleporter, which shall end famine and waste forever!
- Food and Drug Administration: We can't possibly approve this device until you make it safe for public use!
- Professor Okembje: Nonsense! I spent the best 30 years of my life inventing the food teleporter. I'm not going to use the 30 second best years of my life changing it because of your dumb ethics.
- Food and Drug Administration: You're mad, Okembje! Mad, I tell you!
- Professor Okembje: Shut up! I just teleported a whole turkey into this guy's stomach. That's fuckin' cool! When's the last time you teleported something, you dick?
- Department of Agriculture: The turkey must've ruptured his stomach lining, killing him with his own gastric juices.
- Professor Okembje: With this food teleporter, I could - dare I say it- rule the world! MOOHAHA! It seems that I will indeed bring food into the 22nd century. People will bow before me as I fill their stomachs... with death!
- Chief Inspector: Do you think the stress of completing the scavenger hunt may have killed this Swedish backpacker?
- Coroner: I thought so, but it seems that this dame was done in by this honey-glazed ham.
- Chief Inspector: By the golden talons of Horus!
- Chief Inspector: It's called a food teleporter. Invented by Prof. Okembje, it can teleport food anywhere in the world, usually to the tummy.
- Sarah: Why would you want to do that?
- Roy: Why would you not do that? You know those people starving in China? Not anymore!
- Roy: So why waste our time with this exposition when we have this unsolved ham death?
- Chief Inspector: Well excuse me for trying to keep you illiterate mooks updated on current affairs.
- Coroner: Judging from my autopsy, the killer and or killers need to have access to the following items: a food teleporter and food. The main ingredient in this murder weapon is aged cheddar cheese.
- Chief Inspector: Aged cheddar cheese can only come from one place in the entire Earth: Wisconsin, USA! Roy, scramble a team to Wisconsin, STAT!
- Roy: What part of Wisconsin?
- Chief Inspector: All of it!
- Sarah: Excuse me, Madam, Sir, or Miss, but do you happen to have a food teleporter on the premises?
- Professor Okembje: Yes. I mean no. Dagnabbit!
- Chief Inspector: The jig is up, Professor! The only place you'll be teleporting food to now is to the electric chair... for your last meal!
- Professor Okembje: Foolish morons! I shall teleport myself to a place where your laws have no meaning: the barren reaches of outer space!
- Chief Inspector: But that's just out of our jurisdiction!
- Professor Okembje: Sayonara suckers!
- The Narrator: And lo, humanity finally realized the folly of trying to resist a force that could lethally beam food into its gullet from a continent away. Verily, the food teleporter was a divine cornucopia of wrath. We realized that by teleporting food into other people's stomachs that Professor Okembje had become the savior that Mithras had always wanted to be. We pray that he will someday return from his kingdom among the stars.