- Abby Sciuto: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!
- Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey.
- Abby Sciuto: [Gibbs enters. Abbey rushes to him] Gibbs! Make this awful man go away.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I better go down, reschedule this polygraph test.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't bother, McGee. Nothing wrong with the first one.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What do you mean?
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you made an impression on the examiner.
- [McGee looks confused]
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think she made an excuse to see you again.
- [McGee still looks confused]
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want me to draw you a picture?
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee understands] No. I'm going to handle her boss.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is that pastrami?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can I have some?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't like pickles.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey Boss, you ever fail your polygraph?
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. Never took one.
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [Ziva hands Gibbs some papers] I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS Agent.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Already have. Sent my father an email.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's he think about that?
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Does not matter.
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know, I'd like to have a chat with the people who wrote these instructional manuals. But I don't believe we have a language in common.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Gibbs in interrogation] So what do you think? How's he going to break her down? What's the style?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's leading with Creepy Uncle, but I think he's gonna go with Father Figure you can trust.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Just doesn't feel right. I am going to go with the classic in your face Gibbs the Intimidator.
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Don't think so.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How you doing? Special Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo. Sit down.
- Benjamin Franklin: Thank you. Benjamin Franklin, Securities and Exchange Commission. I know, I don't look like an SEC investigator.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is that really your name?
- Benjamin Franklin: Yes, and I've heard every imaginable joke. So, spare me?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do I get the feeling that Gibbs and Sportelli are going to come to blows.
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Who is Sportelli?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the police detective who made the mistake of tugging on Superman's cape.
- [while Abby is fretting about Tony and McGee being in jail, they enter the lab]
- Abby Sciuto: You're out!
- [to Gibbs]
- Abby Sciuto: Did you know?
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director handled it. Way above my pay grade.
- [Abby hugs Tony and McGee]
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't get too comfortable, boys. We've got a search team to organize.
- Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [after listening to a Beltway Burns clip which is an outright lie] That is total salami!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Baloney.
- Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: I have to maintain the integrity of this crime scene, Gibbs. I expect your co-operation. That includes investigating the possibility of an NCIS cover up.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Have you ever heard of an agent having to retake their test?
- Abby Sciuto: [Abby sighs] Special Agent Krischner.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Kirschner?
- Abby Sciuto: Yeah. He was gone before you got here. He was, um, he was let go.
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It never made sense to me, to spend a fortune on something that's going to be viewed for a couple hours then stuck in the ground to rot.
- Abby Sciuto: Mine has, and will continue to provide me with hours of restful sleep and pleasure.
- [outside the police impound lot, McGee loads a paintball gun]
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are you sure that thing's gonna work?
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. It's my own personal concoction of oatmeal, mayonnaise, and carpenter's glue. Perfectly simulates bird droppings.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Us grown-ups use a different word for it.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Used it very successfully in the Chesapeake team paintball finals last summer.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Paintball? Cool. All right, so that's the camera you want to hit with your bird poop, McSniper.
- [McGee fires, splattering white goo all over the camera lens]
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hmm, nice shot. I'm impressed.
- [Tony starts to climb the fence to the police impound lot, McGee hesitates]
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're sure there're no dogs?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't see any dogs, I don't hear any dogs, so no, there are no dogs!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [hears barking] Dogs, McGee! Dogs!
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, right.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [panicking] Real dogs! Big dogs! Get out of here!
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You said there weren't any dogs!
- [fleeing guard dogs]
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is like "Turner and Hooch"! Or "K-9" with Jim Belushi! Run away, McGee! AAAAAH!