Rio (2011)
Jemaine Clement: Nigel
Photos
Quotes
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Nigel : [singing] I'm a feathery freak with a beak, a bird murderer. You think you're badder than me? I never heard o' ya!
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Nigel : I'm not interested about your nicked knick-kacks. Your burgled baubles bore me.
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Nigel : [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.
[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]
Nigel : A star! Lights. Camera. Action!
[he starts singing]
Nigel : I was striking, suave, ambitious. Feet to beak. So bodylicious. Now I am wild. I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show. Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I'm so evil why I do what I do!
[a chorus of birds starts singing]
Chorus of birds : He was a super star!
Nigel : So young and vital.
Chorus of birds : He's ghastly!
Nigel : A South American Idol!
Chorus of birds : He's a suspicious bird!
Nigel : Who said that about me?
Chorus of birds : A very vicious bird.
Nigel : I'll have you rotisseried! I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!
[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]
Nigel : I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.
[we see a seagull nearby]
Nigel : It was him.
Chorus of birds : He's a nasty bird!
Nigel : I'm invincible. I'm unmincable. I'm unwashable. Unrinsable. Like an abandoned school, I have no principle. Full of Brazilian birds. All eighty million birds. I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you.
[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]
Nigel : Shut up now. Shut up!
[the chorus of birds stop singing]
Nigel : It's just me.
[to Blu and Jewel]
Nigel : I will make you ugly too! Sweet nightmares.
[laughs wickedly and flies away]
Blu : Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!
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Nigel : Hello, boys. Seems like you've had a busy day.
Lead marmoset : What, this?
[referring to all the stuff they've stolen from tourists]
Lead marmoset : This is just some stuff we... found! Right boys?
[the crowd of monkeys all agree]
Nigel : I'm not interested in your nicked knick-knacks. Your burgled baubles bore me.
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Nigel : There are two blue macaws out there, and I need your multitude of eyes to help me find them.
Lead marmoset : Oh, yeah? What's in it for us?
Nigel : Well, that's a fair question.
[he suddenly takes the lead marmoset and flies high into the sky]
Nigel : Let's discuss it.
[Nigel drops him]
Nigel : I certainly see your point.
[to the lead marmoset as he's falling down]
Nigel : But what could I possibly do for you in return? Hmm?
Lead marmoset : Save me! Save me!
Nigel : Oh? Well, that's a thought. Yeah. But is it enough? I don't want to feel like I'm cheating you.
Lead marmoset : Help me! Help me! Help me! We'll do it! We'll do it! Save me! Please! Save meeeee!
[just before he hits the ground, he stops as Nigel catches him]
Nigel : All right, you've twisted my wing. Deal. Now then, anymore questions?
[the group of monkeys remain silent]
Nigel : No? Good. You will spread out and you will find these macaws by the end of the day, or it's flying lessons for everyone! Go!
[the group of monkeys all scream with fright and run off]
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Nigel : [grabs hold of a tiny green bird] Stop your chirping and talk to me!
Green bird : No! No! No! I don't know anything! Help!
Nigel : Mmm... when I bite down on your head, will it go pop? Or will it go crack?
[he squeezes hard on the little green birds head]
Nigel : Where are the cerulean birds? That means blue, by the way.
Green bird : Went to Luiz.
Nigel : Anything else?
Green bird : They said you were very nice.
Nigel : Hmm... did they? Well... liar!
Green bird : And... handsome too.
[Nigel throws the little green bird and it hits the lead marmoset in the head]
Nigel : Never send a monkey to do a bird's job.
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Nigel : [Nigel catches Jewel as she's flying] Going somewhere, pretty bird?
Jewel : Oh, yeah! I was just on my way to claw your eyes out!
[she punches him in the face, Nico and Pedro see Nigel get ahold of Jewel]
Nigel : Temper, temper. Now come along, my dear. We're going to a parade. And everybody loves a parade!
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Blu : [in the smugglers' float] Hey, Jewel?
Jewel : Blu!
Blu : I'm gonna get you outta here.
Jewel : No, no! You can't be here! You have to go! Nigel is...
[suddenly Nigel attacks Blu and throws Blu in a cage]
Nigel : Hello, pretty bird. So kind of you to join our little soiree.
Blu : Oh, come on! You really think I came alone? I got three of the roughest, meanest, craziest birds in all of Rio right behind me.
Pedro : Woohoo! You know there guys!
[Blu sees that Nigel has placed Nico, Pedro and Rafael in a cage nearby]
Pedro : We're saved! That's right! That's right! That's right!
Rafael : Uh... I think he means us.
Pedro : Oh.
Nigel : Ah, love! It's such a powerful and stupid thing.
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Jewel : [after Blu has released all the other caged birds, Nigel attacks Blu] Let him go!
[Nigel hits Jewel away she falls against the wall of the plane and a cage falls on her wing]
Jewel : Ow!
Blu : Jewel!
Jewel : My wing!
Nigel : Oh, pity! Now we have two useless, flightless birds.
[Blu grabs hold of the hose on the fire extinguisher and attaches it to Nigel's leg]
Blu : Not cool, man! Not cool!
[Blu releases the pressure on the fire extinguisher and Nigel bursts out of the plane]
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Nigel : [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.
[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]
Nigel : A star! Lights. Camera. Action!
[he starts singing]
Nigel : I was striking, suave, ambitious feet to beak, so birdy-licious. Now I am vile, I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show, Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I am so evil why I do what I do!
[a chorus of birds starts singing]
Chorus of birds : He was a super star!
Nigel : So young and vital.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty!
Nigel : A South American Idol!
Chorus of birds : He's a suspicious bird!
Nigel : Who said that about me?
Chorus of birds : A very vicious bird.
Nigel : I'll have you rotisseried! I was the king of telenovelas The envy of all the other fellows. Then I was pushed out for a Pretty Polly parakeet from Paraguay they called Patricious. Common Paraguayan name.
Chorus of birds : He's a nasty bird!
Nigel : I'm insidious.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty.
Nigel : Oh, I'm hideous!
Chorus of birds : He was a real macaw.
Nigel : I'm a cockatoo!
Chorus of birds : An obscene bird!
Nigel : Yes, that word's true. I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!
[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]
Nigel : I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.
[we see a seagull nearby]
Nigel : It was him.
Chorus of birds : He's a nasty bird!
Nigel : I'm invincible.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty!
Nigel : I'm unminceable. I'm unwashable, Unrinsable. Like an abandoned school I have no principal! All of you Brazilian birds, all 18 million birds, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you...
[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]
Nigel : Shut up now, shut up!
[the chorus of birds stop singing]
Nigel : It's just me. I will make you ugly too. Did you hear how dramatic that was, with the end?
[laughs wickedly and flies away]
Blu : Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!
-
Nigel : [jumping onto the cage Blu and Jewel are being held in] Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy. But I used to be quite a looker.
[shows them a poster with himself looking dashing on it]
Nigel : A star! Lights. Camera. Action!
[he starts singing]
Nigel : I was striking, suave, ambitious feet to beak, so birdy-licious. Now I am vile, I am villainous and vicious. Oh! And malicious. I had it all. A TV show, Women too! I was tall, over one foot two! And then they got a pretty parakeet to fill my shoes. That's why I am so evil why I do what I do!
[a chorus of birds starts singing]
Chorus of birds : He was a super star!
Nigel : So young and vital.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty!
Nigel : A South American Idol!
Chorus of birds : He's a suspicious bird!
Nigel : Who said that about me?
Chorus of birds : A very vicious bird.
Nigel : I'll have you rotisseried! I was the king of telenovelas The envy of all the other fellows. Then I was pushed out for a Pretty Polly parakeet from Paraguay they called Patricious. Common Paraguayan name.
Chorus of birds : He's a nasty bird!
Nigel : I'm insidious.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty.
Nigel : Oh, I'm hideous!
Chorus of birds : He was a real macaw.
Nigel : I'm a cockatoo!
Chorus of birds : An obscene bird!
Nigel : Yes, that word's true. I'm a feathery freak, with a beak. A bird murder! You think you're badder than me. I never head of ya. I'm evil. I'll fill your cheese balls with weevils!
[continues his singing to Blu and Jewel]
Nigel : I poop on people and I blame it on seagulls.
[we see a seagull nearby]
Nigel : It was him.
Chorus of birds : He's a nasty bird!
Nigel : I'm invincible.
Chorus of birds : He's nasty!
Nigel : I'm unminceable. I'm unwashable, unrinsable. Like an abandoned school I have no principal! All of you Brazilian birds, all 18 million birds, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you...
[to the chorus of birds who continue singing]
Nigel : Shut up now, shut up!
[the chorus of birds stop singing]
Nigel : It's just me. I will make you ugly too. Sweet nightmares!
[laughs wickedly and flies away]
Blu : Not cool, man! Scary, but not cool!
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Nigel : Hello, pretty bird. What's the matter? Cockatoo got your throat?
