- Kenny Morittori: Spring Training is big for collectors. If I can get an old Cub to sign a jersey, it more than doubles the price.
- Stephanie Layne: Do you have to knock the little kids out of the way to get that?
- Brendan Dorff: You know, if this were college...
- Kenny Morittori: You'd be the oldest guy in the dorm.
- P.J. Franklin: You'd be arrested for being creepy.
- Mike Callahan: You'd have a name for your bong.
- Jack Brisco: Ah, star-crossed lovers from the Tribune and the Sun-Times. That's beautiful. It's like Romeo and Juliet.
- P.J. Franklin: Romeo and Juliet died in the end.
- Jack Brisco: I'm not wishin' it on you, kid. I'm just sayin'.
- Mike Callahan: Dude, can not get a woman to talk to me. Just because I'm not a ball player? Big deal. What do those guys have that I don't?
- Kenny Morittori: Muscles. Talent. Potential. Youth.
- Brendan Dorff: Ah, my friend said you were datin' Mike Fontenot.
- Connie: Oh, I am.
- Brendan Dorff: What?
- Connie: Yeah.
- Brendan Dorff: Really?
- Connie: Mm-hm.
- Brendan Dorff: Then what the hell you doin' with me?
- Connie: Mike's always, like, baseball this and baseball that, so the easiest way to get his attention is to make him jealous.
- Brendan Dorff: No, Connie, I don't think I want any part of that.
- Connie: Oh, too late. I already told him we slept together.
- Brendan Dorff: What? That's totally insane. Why would you do that?
- Connie: I told you. I like to make him jealous, so let's go make out behind home plate.
- P.J. Franklin: You know, there are plenty of beautiful, sane women out there. Stop shoppin' at the crazy mall.
- Brendan Dorff: But it's such a good mall.
- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] It takes something pretty special to get two jaded sports reporters to spill beer on their shoes.