- Quinn Fabray: People think you're gay now, Finn. And do you know what that makes me? Your big, gay beard!
- Quinn Fabray: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto girls.
- [the Cheerios repeat along with Quinn]
- Quinn Fabray: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing.
- [the Cheerios dance and grind suggestively]
- Quinn Fabray: Back it up like a dump truck baby.
- Emma Pillsbury: [hears Rachel throwing up] Rachel, did you just throw up?
- Rachel Berry: [defensively] No.
- Emma Pillsbury: You missed the toilet.
- Rachel Berry: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
- Emma Pillsbury: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.
- Quinn Fabray: If you quit I'll let you touch my breasts.
- Finn Hudson: Under the shirt?
- Quinn Fabray: Over the bra.
- Mercedes Jones: [During a song rehearsal, Rachel Berry kicks and nearly hits Mercedes in the face] Whoa, whoa. Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.
- Will Schuester: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it.
- Kurt Hummel: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
- Sue Sylvester: [Quinn and her friends are planning to join Glee Club] You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.
- Quinn Fabray: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.
- Sue Sylvester: I don't care so much about that.
- Quinn Fabray: [Inflates a white balloon] Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now remember if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.
- Principal Figgins: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time.
- Sue Sylvester: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."
- Principal Figgins: We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
- Sue Sylvester: I... I really don't know what to say.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
- Rachel Berry: Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?
- Finn Hudson: When I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.
- [points to his right side of the chest]
- Rachel Berry: Your heart is on the other side of your chest.
- Rachel Berry: We're going to give them what they want!
- Kurt Hummel: [Skeptically] Blood?
- Rachel Berry: Better. Sex.
- Sue Sylvester: I just blasted my hammies.
- Will Schuester: Oh.
- Sue Sylvester: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
- Will Schuester: I don't menstruate.
- Sue Sylvester: Yeah? Neither do I.
- Sue Sylvester: You know Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.
- Will Schuester: My father always said you'd become a man when you bought your first house. I'm not sure what he meant though because he burned ours down during a drunken fight with mom.
- Sue Sylvester: So, I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if your group doesn't place at regionals, he's cutting the program. Ouch.
- Will Schuester: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're gonna be fine.
- Sue Sylvester: Really? 'Cause I was at the local library, where I read "Cheerleading Today" aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page turner. "Show Choir Rule Book". And it turns out you need twelve kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half.
- [handing the book to him]
- Sue Sylvester: Here. Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you; maybe you could find some recruits, 'cause I'm not sure there's anybody else who's gonna want to swim over to your island of misfit toys.
- Will Schuester: Are you threatening me, Sue?
- Sue Sylvester: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha. Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it, you want to be me. So here's the deal: you do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother: euthanize it. It's time. And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade, launder my soiled delicates. It'll be very rewarding work for you.
- Will Schuester: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here...
- Sue Sylvester: Offensive.
- Will Schuester: ...but it looks like your Cheerios are going to have some competition. We're going to show at regionals. You have my word on that.
- Will Schuester: [voice over] My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with mom.
- Peggy: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
- Terri Schuester: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colours because... well obviously we're starting a family and I have a real sense that it's going to be a girl.
- Terri Schuester: This banister was made by Ecuadorian children.
- [Terri Schuester gasps in delight]
- Will Schuester: It's great Terri but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we just buy one of those? They are half the price.
- Terri Schuester: I'm not raising our baby in a used house. They're not clean!
- Terri Schuester: Come with me, I'm going to show you something really special.
- [Terri leads him to a child's room done entirely in pink]
- Terri Schuester: This is where our daughter or our gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on mini shows for me.
- Will Schuester: I love it Terri but we still can't afford everything.
- Terri Schuester: It's my very own Sophie's Choice.
- Terri Schuester: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.
- Doctor: Trust me, you're clear.
- Ken Tanaka: I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not going to do much better.
- [pause]
- Ken Tanaka: Okay, I'm done talking now.
- Quinn Fabray: Let's pair up for the immaculate affection.
- [Places balloon between Finn and Herself at pelvic level]
- Quinn Fabray: Remember: if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.
- Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.
- Will Schuester: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
- Rachel Berry: What's a "luftballoon"?
- Will Schuester: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.
- Quinn Fabray: I'm sorry Coach Sylvester, but something is happening between Finn and that thing! You saw how it was undressing it with its eyes!
- Terri Schuester: I'm not pregnant? But I've gained ten pounds!
- Dr. Wu: That's probably from eating.
- [Turns off ultrasound machine]
- Dr. Wu: I can see a chicken wing you probably swallowed whole.