- Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
- Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
- Max Weinstein: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
- Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?
- Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
- Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
- Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.
- Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
- Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
- Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
- Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
- Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
- Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
- Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!
- Lois Griffin: [during foreplay, Lois has discovered a lump on her breast] Peter, we're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump.
- Peter Griffin: I have a lump, too, and mine's easier to get rid of.
- Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
- [seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
- Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
- Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
- [Peter fires another shot, which misses]
- Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
- Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
- [another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
- Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
- Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!
- Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
- Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
- Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
- Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
- Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
- Peter Griffin: Well Played.
- Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
- Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
- [They Hug]