The State (TV Series)

Episode #2.3 (1994)

Michael Patrick Jann: Various

Quotes 

• Michael Showalter : Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...

  David : [walks on stage]  And it *is* a family...

  Michael Showalter : - to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.

  Ken : [walks on stage]  And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.

  Michael Showalter : That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.

  Ben : [walks on stage]  We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...

  Joe : [walks on stage]  ... and I'm not drunk right now.

  Michael Showalter : And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.

  Michael Patrick Jann : [walks on stage]  You know, reefer.

  [makes air quotes] 

  Kerri : [walks on stage with Kevin]  And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?

  Kevin : We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.

  Michael Ian Black : [walks on stage]  And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.

  Thomas : [walks on stage]  And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.

  Michael Showalter : So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.

  [Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh] 

  Thomas : [to the baby]  You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?

  Michael Showalter : [waving to the camera]  Thanks for your time!