Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk and the Genius (2008)
Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk
Photos
Quotes
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[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Kloster]
Julie Teeger : All right, wait here.
[She approaches one of the teenaged contestants and begins talking to him]
Adrian Monk : What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger : She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk : Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger : Shut up.
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Patrick Kloster : This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed.
[notices Monk's grin]
Patrick Kloster : I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
Adrian Monk : I know how you did it.
Patrick Kloster : You still think I murdered my wife?
Adrian Monk : You set a trap...
Natalie Teeger : ...like the Poison Pawn.
Patrick Kloster : Oh you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.
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Natalie Teeger : [reads the title of a book] "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well, this will be the opposite of fun.
[reads the dedication]
Natalie Teeger : "For my queen, Tatiana."
Adrian Monk : You don't have to read the dedication.
Natalie Teeger : I'm sorry.
[finds Linda Kloster's check in the book]
Natalie Teeger : What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk : I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger : But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, then you can pay your staff, and when I say *staff*, I mean me.
Adrian Monk : She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk : What about the promise I made he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie Teeger : You made a promise to me too.
Adrian Monk : [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick approaching them]
[whispering]
Adrian Monk : There he is.
Natalie Teeger : He's coming! What do we do? We should kiss. No! I didn't say that. I wasn't thinking. I never said that.
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Natalie Teeger : [Monk's latest check turns out to be $700 short] You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new norm?
Adrian Monk : Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger : [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah so you just void it out. Write "VOID" right here.
Adrian Monk : Natalie, I can't do it. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger : Of course it's up to you!
Adrian Monk : I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger : Oh my god!
[yells in frustration at Monk. You can tell that this seems to be the norm every payday]
Adrian Monk : I'm a little short on cash right now. But you know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it.
Natalie Teeger : Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
Linda Kloster : I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger : Oh that's just me. I scream every payday.
-
[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger : You have to admit, he's real good.
[takes a sip from her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger : What? He was right. I am thirsty.
Adrian Monk : [looks at her rather suspiciously] How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger : Uhhh, I feel fine.
[Monk is still looking at her oddly]
Natalie Teeger : What?
Adrian Monk : It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need.
[Natalie promptly spits her lemonade out the window on her side of the car and dumps the rest of the cup onto the pavement]
Natalie Teeger : It just occurred to you? And you didn't say anything? My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this!
Adrian Monk : How do you feel right now?
Natalie Teeger : You know I hate to disappoint you but I feel fine.
Adrian Monk : [offering the bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger : Okay that's it. We're going home.
[Starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk : Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger : Wait? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk : Just stop the car.
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards the Kloster estate]
Natalie Teeger : Where are you going?
Adrian Monk : His garden.
Natalie Teeger : His garden?
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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [on Patrick Kloster having finished despite his wife having died] It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster : I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk : Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster : Did she?
Adrian Monk : She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster : My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk : She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster : I'm sure she was.
[turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Patrick Kloster : What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger : You know she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster : And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. She was also quite depressed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster : Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
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Adrian Monk : [Elderly woman touches a coffin] Ah, I'm afraid you can't touch that. I'm sorry.
1st Elderly Woman : She was our niece.
Adrian Monk : Well, I'm a former police officer, and I'm afraid we have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
2nd Elderly Woman : Borrow her?
1st Elderly Woman : Yes, we have to run some toxicology tests on the body.
1st Elderly Woman : Oh, my goodness.
Adrian Monk : No, no no. We do it all the time.
[takes flowers off the top of the coffin]
Adrian Monk : We're going to cut her open, just... just a little bit, and slice off a teeny tiny... tiny piece of her liver, and her stomach, and maybe take a tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
1st Elderly Woman : But why?
Adrian Monk : The fact is, we think she might have been poisoned.
2nd Elderly Woman : But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk : What cable car?
1st Elderly Woman : The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed!
Patrick Kloster : Mr. Monk, that's not my wife.
[Monk and Natalie put the flowers back on the coffin]
Patrick Kloster : My wife is right here.
[Kloster shows them a cremation box]
Patrick Kloster : I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can see, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk : Cremated?
Patrick Kloster : Yes I don't think your toxicology tests are going to do much good but you are welcome to try.
[Both Monk and Natalie give him a rather disgusted look]
Patrick Kloster : Oh I know that look. I've seen it quite often. It's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.
[walks out of the room]
-
Patrick Kloster : [while waiting for the toxicology report to come back about his first wife] You're making a big mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lt. Randall Disher : You should have had your first wife cremated too.
[the medical examiner returns with his report]
Medical Examiner : Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is. There was no poison in the body, we didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk : Impossible!
Medical Examiner : The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster : [getting up to head to the elevator] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk : For what?
Patrick Kloster : Our little game. But to be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.
[the elevator doors close]
-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her!
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yes, she's still in the house.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Fine, good. You sleep on it!
[slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk : How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger : What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
[Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher : Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Just tell me who called, Randy.
-
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the airport to question Patrick Kloster]
Lt. Randall Disher : Is he here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Plane just landed. Whaddaya got?
Lt. Randall Disher : You're not gonna like it. The ME says natural causes; severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk : What?
Lt. Randall Disher : He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk : Wh-What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lt. Randall Disher : He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie Teeger : But she was 42 years old!
Adrian Monk : What about the water, the tap water in the bathroom?
Lt. Randall Disher : Checked.
Natalie Teeger : Well, how about her lipstick?
Lt. Randall Disher : Checked. I mean, everything in the house, even her eyedrops, it's all clean.
Adrian Monk : He killed her; he poisoned her! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well there he is. You can ask him yourself.
-
Patrick Kloster : Do you play chess, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk : A little.
Patrick Kloster : We should play a game sometime.
Adrian Monk : We already are.
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Adrian Monk : To me, quitting would be like giving up.
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Adrian Monk : [writes a paycheck for Natalie] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
Natalie Teeger : My four favorite words.
[Monk delicately tears the check out of his checkbook. In that time, Natalie easily can go get a cup of coffee and come back without being missed]