Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Buys a House (2008)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house to check out Monk's suspicions on Joseph Mood, as Monk complains about the messiness of "Honest" Jake's repairs] 

  Adrian Monk : You should've warned me.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I did.

  Adrian Monk : Well, why didn't you tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Next time I will. I promise.

  [They come up to the door. Stottlemeyer knocks on the door. With no response, he knocks a Morse code message, presumably in Morse code. He and Disher exchange laughs. Randy in turn taps another message back to Stottlemeyer] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Hey did you ever hear about the...?

  [taps another message back to Randy. They burst out laughing] 

  Natalie Teeger : That's not the way I heard it. My husband was in the Navy. Remember?

  [Stottlemeyer knocks on the door with a different code] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Miss Drake!

  [He pulls on the door, which is unlocked. Cautiously and fearing something bad, he pulls open the door. They see the stabbed body of Cassie Drake on the floor] 

  Natalie Teeger : Oh my God!

  [Stottlemeyer and Disher head inside while Monk and Natalie stay back] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Stay there.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Phone it in!

  [Cuts to a police officer stretching crime scene tape across the patio as the medical examiner's van comes to a stop by the police cars. Inside the house, CSI techs take photos of the body as Monk and Natalie stand by] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Still no murder weapon. Doc says knitting needle. So what do you think? He was tossing the place when she walked in on him?

  Adrian Monk : I-I don't think so. Look at the drawers. They were pulled out and flipped over, but everything's just piled up. He didn't really rifle through them. He was here for her.

  [Disher comes out of another room carrying a bag] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Captain. I, uh, found this in her closet.

  [holds the bag up] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : $4,000 grand, all $20s and $50s.

  Natalie Teeger : Gee, I should've gone to nursing school.

  [Monk examines the bills closely] 

  Adrian Monk : 1967, 1966.

  [pause] 

  Adrian Monk : These are 40 years old. Some of the serial numbers are sequential.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I'll call Treasury. Maybe they can trace it. Wanna come with?

  Adrian Monk : Nah, I should probably go home, assuming it's still there.

• [Monk has called "Honest Jake" over to repair an off-centered lamp] 

  Adrian Monk : Just-just be careful!

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Oh, so you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous.

  [He removes the attachment covering and stops] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Uh-oh.

  Adrian Monk : Uh-oh? What uh-oh?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.

  Adrian Monk : What does that mean?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : It means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...

  Adrian Monk : W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's going to be like taking out an appendix; snip, snip, snip, pop the wire in, run it up to the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...

  Adrian Monk : Will it be

  [imitates a jackhammer] 

  Adrian Monk : messy?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Nah, don't worry. You won't even know I was here.

  [Cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down part of the wall, leaving the frame exposed. He stops] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Uh-oh.

  Adrian Monk : Uh-oh? What now?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I do not like the look of this. OK we've got a problerino - it's what we call a glitch. See this pipe?

  Adrian Monk : Yeah.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : That's your primary water line.

  [taps the pipe with his hammer] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : It's corroded.

  Adrian Monk : Of course it is.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Almost all the way through. Could burst any time.

  [turns to Monk] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I-I-I thought that you got this place inspected.

  Adrian Monk : I did.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : What? Was the guy blind in both eyes? Listen, Adrian, I've gotta be honest with you, because I respect you very much. This whole section has to go. Which means this wall, this wall, and this half of the floor.

  Adrian Monk : What about the other half?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : That's gonna have to come up, too. But I know a great plumber. His name is Ramone. They call him "Honest Ramone".

  Adrian Monk : Of course they do.

  [Cuts to Jake, now accompanied by Ramone, hacking at the wall, sending shrapnel flying everywhere as Monk and Natalie cower on the steps] 

• [Monk shows Jake and Ramone a piece of wallpaper that was lodged in Joseph Moody's wheelchair] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : So you just put that together? Just like that? Fantastic.

  Adrian Monk : And this.

  [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] 

  Adrian Monk : Tributeral. This is the medication she said made him disoriented.

  [He hands it to Natalie] 

  Natalie Teeger : It's never been opened. You think she killed him?

  Adrian Monk : She lied about it. There's gotta be a reason.

  [Jake and Ramone both nod in agreement. Cuts to the darkened interior of an intact house. Cassie Drake brings groceries into her house and sets them down on the counter, and then turns on the lights, revealing Jake, who is sitting in an armchair] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Hey, Cassie.

  [Cassie recoils a bit, but then realizes that it's just Jake. She puts her hand on her chest, relieved that she didn't walk in on a burglar] 

  Cassie Drake : Jake. You scared me to death.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Yeah, I heard you're working the night shift. That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack.

  Cassie Drake : How did you get in?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Sliding door. It's broken.

  Cassie Drake : No it's not.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : No, it is.

  [Cassie still appears to be a little nervous] 

  Cassie Drake : So, how's it going over there? When do I see my share?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We ran into a little... bump in the road today. Guess who bought the house?

  [pause. Cassie does not produce a response] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Adrian Monk.

  [short pause] 

  Cassie Drake : I don't know him.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : He's on to you, Cassie.

  Cassie Drake : It wasn't my fault, Jake. I didn't wanna kill him.

  [Jake rises from his chair and grabs an awl from his toolbelt. He advances on Cassie] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I know.

  Cassie Drake : He would've told everyone. I really didn't have a choice.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I know.

  [Jake stabs her and slices the awl through her chest] 

  Cassie Drake : AHHHH! AGGGGHHH! OW!

  [Cassie drops to the floor, dead] 

• [Pounding in a protruding nail, Monk sees something in a wall] 

  Adrian Monk : Oh my God!

  [Jake glances at them] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : "Oh my God" what? What do you see?

  [Monk and Natalie can't muster themselves to say what they've found] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : What do you see?

  [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : What do you see?

  [He realizes he's found the money] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : It's a false wall. There's a reason that light was off-centered: because this is a false wall!

  [to Ramone] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Come on, move the furniture.

  [They move a table] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Take it down!

  [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both start laughing in triumph] 

  Honest Ramone : Jake. Jake. What do you wanna do with your share of the money?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it!

  [He quickly pulls his gun, and then shoots and kills Ramone] 

• [Jake tells Adrian about how he works like a surgeon] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Don't worry. You won't even know I was here.

  [cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down the wall. He stops] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Uh-oh.

  Adrian Monk : Uh-oh? What now?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I do not like the look of this. OK, we've got a problerino - it's what we call a glitch. See this pipe? That's your primary water line.

  [taps the pipe with his hammer] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : It's corroded.

  Adrian Monk : Of course it is.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Almost all the way through. Could burst any time.

  [turns to Monk] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : I-I-I thought that you got this place inspected.

  Adrian Monk : I did.

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : What? Was the guy blind in both eyes? Listen, Adrian, I've got to be honest with you, because I respect you. This whole section has to go.

  [He points to the various objects] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Plus this wall, this wall, and this half of the floor.

  Adrian Monk : Wha-What about the other half?

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : That's gonna have to come up, too.

• [Having managed to pull himself out from underneath a fallen wall, Jake, his face bloodied, makes his way over to the living room, holding his gun, and starts to train it at Monk and Natalie] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : If you like my work, tell your friends about how to find my business. On second thought, I'm gonna retire.

  [He brings up his gun and prepares to pull the trigger. Stottlemeyer and Disher burst into the house, holding their weapons] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Drop the gun! Drop the gun!

  [Jake puts his gun down and his hands up] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : On the ground. On the ground!

  [Stottlemeyer pins Jake to the ground, prodding his barrel into Jake's back. Disher handcuffs Jake and takes him away] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Good luck.

  [after Disher leaves with his prisoner, Stottlemeyer looks around the house for a few minutes in disbelief at Jake's handiwork] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Holy moly, what happened here?

  Adrian Monk : I never should have bought this house. I should have waited for something better to come along.

  [pause] 

  Adrian Monk : Like death.

• [Monk has discovered the file on Joseph Moody] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : His private nurse found him yesterday. The guy was 89 years old. He fell down a flight of stairs.

  Adrian Monk : Stairs, huh? Sounds suspicious.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What's suspicious?

  Adrian Monk : Are you kidding? Nine decades, perfect health, the guy just sits up and dies? I think we should check it out.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Are you really that bored?

  Adrian Monk : Yes. I am.

• [Monk has moved into Joseph Moody's house and is showing Natalie around. Natalie moves her hand along the stair wall] 

  Natalie Teeger : Oh, I love all the woodwork.

  Adrian Monk : Hey, don't touch that.

  Natalie Teeger : What, wet paint?

  Adrian Monk : No, just don't touch it.

• [Honest Jake meets Monk in a hardware store, and hands Monk his business card] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Who are you gonna call?

  [pause] 

  'Honest' Jake Phillips : Who you gonna call?

  Adrian Monk : Honest Jake.