- Evelyn: [Jake is complaining about having fruit for breakfast] Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have stocked up on crap.
- Jake Harper: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.
- Alan Harper: [arguing with Charlie over a bowl he wants to put in the living room; he asks Charlie's date her opinion. She thinks it looks fine] See? Two against one!
- Charlie Harper: There's no voting! You're just a free-loader and she's just some one-night-stand I picked up in a ba... oh, damn.
- Jake Harper: [minutes after hearing glass break] I heard something break.
- Charlie Harper: And you're just coming out now?
- Jake Harper: I was establishing my alibi.
- Jake Harper: [comes in from shopping with his Dad, wearing a very oversized shirt] Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit *now*!
- Alan Harper: Well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
- Charlie Harper: What do you want from me, Alan? I took you in! I took your kid in! All I ask is that you don't fill up my home with your junk!
- Alan Harper: It's not junk! It's an inlaid mosaic dish, handcrafted on the island of Macau!
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, well...
- [Grabs the bowl and throws it into the fire place where it shatters]
- Charlie Harper: Now it's *rubble* from the island of Macau!
- Alan Harper: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space, where you sat around, got drunk and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family and no meaning!
- Charlie Harper: There's a word for that Alan: "Utopia"!