- Ted Lasso: Mae... what do I need to win?
- Mae: Two triple 20's and a bullseye.
- Rupert Mannion: [chuckles] Good luck.
- [pause]
- Ted Lasso: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.
- [throws a dart and hits his first triple 20]
- Ted Lasso: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. You know, they thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"
- [throws another dart and hits his second triple 20]
- Ted Lasso: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age 10 until I was 16 when he passed away."
- [beat]
- Ted Lasso: Barbecue sauce.
- [throws his third dart and hits the bullseye; crowd cheers wildly]
- Ted Lasso: Good game, Rupert.
- Keeley: I need to ask you something. So, the other day when you said you were too busy to text me back...
- Roy: Yeah, 'cause I was busy.
- Keeley: But you never told me what you were too busy with.
- Roy: Yeah, 'cause it was private.
- Keeley: Are you dating other people? It's okay if you are, it's just that I wanna know so I don't look stupid.
- Roy: It was yoga, okay? I do yoga with a group of women in their sixties. They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week, and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's just been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y till two a.m. and then we had crêpes in Balham with some drag queens. Like I said, it's private.
- Nathan Shelley: Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?
- Coach Beard: Saw this coming.
- Higgins: Nothing like the early days of courtship.
- Roy: [bewildered] Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.
- Ted Lasso: I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream. And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?
- Higgins: Yeah.
- Coach Beard: Perfect analogy.
- Roy: Yes, I am into her. But we all know who her ex-boyfriend is: the prince prick of all pricks. And I've got him stuck right in here.
- Higgins: I don't understand the problem.
- Nathan Shelley: I mean, Keeley's just so kind. You know, to be liked by someone like her must be... s'wonderful.
- Ted Lasso: Shout-out to the Gershwin brothers right there.
- Coach Beard: Fuck yeah, the Gershwins.
- Ted Lasso: But dang it, fellas, you're still not getting it!
- Roy: Thank you.
- Ted Lasso: Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!
- Nathan Shelley: [beat] Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
- Roy: I can't control my feelings.
- Ted Lasso: Well, then, by all means you should let them control you.
- Higgins: He's doing it again!
- Ted Lasso: [smirks] Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?
- Roy: She slept with him last night.
- [pause]
- Nathan Shelley: I mean, are you two officially dating?
- Roy: No.
- Higgins: Have you already slept together?
- Roy: No.
- Ted Lasso: Coach, you wanna bring this home?
- Coach Beard: Grow up... and get over it.
- Coach Beard: Something on your mind, Coach?
- Ted Lasso: No. Why?
- Coach Beard: We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.
- Ted Lasso: [looks around, then moves in closer] Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you something, but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?
- Coach Beard: Okay.
- Ted Lasso: I'm serious. I don't wanna make jokes about it, I don't want you to give me any knowing glances. You know what I mean?
- Coach Beard: Okay.
- Ted Lasso: Okay. Last night, I, uh... I slept with Rebecca's friend, Sassy.
- [pause]
- Coach Beard: Wanna talk about it?
- Ted Lasso: I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.
- Ted Lasso: Something on your mind?
- [Roy grunts]
- Ted Lasso: Is that grunt all I get to go on? That's okay, I'll give it a shot here. Let's see. You are thinking about buying your first house. No, not that. Okay. You just realized your dad might be a little racist.
- Roy: Stop! He's in his 60s and he's from South London, of course my dad's a little racist! Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fucking Tartt.
- Ted Lasso: Hoo wee! Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place, of course, is the I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit dodecahedron.
- Roy: Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
- Ted Lasso: No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.