The Machine (I) (2023)

Bert Kreischer: Bert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bert : Oh my God I'm inside him. He's so warm.

• Bert : Use this drug energy for good. Like Charlie Sheen.

• Bert : We should get a bunch of kid sized real-dolls on this set. I always wanted to see what being a pedophile felt like... never-mind I already do!

• Alexei : So you can fight?

  Bert : I went to Florida State. All we know how to do is fight fuck and drink.

• Bert : Dad, give me some life advice some words of wisdom.

  Albert Kreischer : Everybody's gotta die sometime.

  Bert : That's it?

• Irina : This is Sponge, my bodyguard.

  Bert : Sponge like you absorb liquids?

  Sponge : I absorb bullets.

• Igor : Go to Moscow, and save your father.

  Irina : If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death.

  Bert : I think she's autistic.

• Irina : This is my bodyguard, Sponge.

  Bert : Sponge that absorbs liquids?

  Sponge : Absorb bullets.

  [laughs manically] 

  Sponge : b