Paul (2011)
Simon Pegg: Graeme Willy
Photos
Quotes
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Graeme Willy : How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?
Paul : Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!
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Graeme Willy : You are an alien!
Paul : To you I am, yes.
Graeme Willy : Are you gonna probe us?
Paul : *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
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Agent Zoil : Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
Clive Gollings : Thank you, Agent Zoil.
Agent Zoil : Please call me Lorenzo.
Clive Gollings , Graeme Willy : Lorenzo Zoil?
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Clive Gollings : [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.
Paul : [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you
[Clive and Graham turn around]
Paul : Put... the phone... down!
Clive Gollings : [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!
Paul : Aw fuck me.
Graeme Willy : [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?
Paul : I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!
Graeme Willy : But you made him faint!
Paul : It's not like I set my phaser to faint!
Graeme Willy : You've got a phaser?
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Graeme Willy : Whats the matter Clive?
Clive Gollings : There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
Graeme Willy : Did you want tea?
Clive Gollings : No, I don't want tea!
Graeme Willy : Right, because tea is weird in America.
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Ruth Buggs : Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
Paul : I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?
Graeme Willy : Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?
Paul : Fuck yeeah!
Ruth Buggs : You bet your big fat cock I am!
Paul : Nice!
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Clive Gollings : They're going to rape us and break our arms!
Graeme Willy : I don't want my arms broken.
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State Trooper : Where are you boys from?
Clive Gollings : ...England.
State Trooper : I heard about that place: no guns.
Graeme Willy : Not many...
Clive Gollings : No, not really, just... farmers.
State Trooper : Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?
Graeme Willy : [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...
Clive Gollings : They- they try not to...
[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]
Gas Station Attendant : [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.
Graeme Willy : Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.
[They hastily exit the store]
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Ruth Buggs : [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?
Graeme Willy : Uhh...
Ruth Buggs : What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!
[Ruth falls over]
Paul : She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.
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Haggard : [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?
Graeme Willy : Oh, no, that's Clive's...
Clive Gollings : It's my novel.
Haggard : [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!
O'Reilly : That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.
Graeme Willy : [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.
O'Reilly : I was just sayin'...
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Ruth Buggs : So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?
Graeme Willy : Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.
Ruth Buggs : That's easy for you to say.
Graeme Willy : It's really not.
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Graeme Willy : [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.
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Clive Gollings : What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Graeme Willy : Well apparently they don't do that.
Paul : [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?
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Ruth Buggs : Sorry you got killed by my dad.
Graeme Willy : That's fine. D'you want to try that kiss again?
Ruth Buggs : Fuck yeah.
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Graeme Willy : Paul, what happens if you get caught?
Paul : Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?
Clive Gollings : Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.
Paul : [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!
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Adam Shadowchild : Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
Graeme Willy : Who said that?
Adam Shadowchild : I did. I just said that.
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O'Reilly : Why not four tits?
Graeme Willy : That's just sick.
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Paul : [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?
Graeme Willy : No. Thank you.
Ruth Buggs : I'll partake.
Paul : Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.
Graeme Willy : Bob Dylan's not dead.
Paul : [smiles] Isn't he?
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Graeme Willy : [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!
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The Big Guy : [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.
Graeme Willy : They've shut Guantanamo Bay.
The Big Guy : Did they? Be honest with yourselves.
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Ruth Buggs : So there's no Heaven? No Hell, no right, no wrong, no sin?
Graeme Willy : Well...
[pause]
Ruth Buggs : I can drink?
Graeme Willy : If you like.
Ruth Buggs : I can fornicate?
Graeme Willy : Maybe.
Ruth Buggs : I can curse?
Graeme Willy : Well, yeah.
Ruth Buggs : [gleefully] Penises!
Graeme Willy : Ruth...
Ruth Buggs : Assing hairy boobs poop farting buttholes!
Graeme Willy : Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping...
[Ruth grabs Graeme and kisses him]
Graeme Willy : Wha... What are you doing?
[Ruth grabs his hand and puts it on her breast]
Graeme Willy : Aah! Stop it!
Ruth Buggs : Why? Why should I?
[grabs Graeme's crotch]
Graeme Willy : [winces] This is... because... you have your whole life to explore new things. Okay? Doesn't necessarily mean... you should be exploring mine right now.
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Sword Vendor : That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.
Clive Gollings : How much?
Sword Vendor : $1349.99
Graeme Willy : Aren't you going to get it?
Clive Gollings : [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.
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Graeme Willy : What do you think you're gonna dream about?
Clive Gollings : Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?
Graeme Willy : Wonder Woman.
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Graeme Willy : [Dying] Don't worry, it's really been the best day ever...
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[last lines]
Adam Shadowchild : Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.
Graeme Willy , Clive Gollings : Three, two, one...
[take stage in front of cheering audience]
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Agent Zoil : Who's Adam Shadowchild?
Clive Gollings : He wrote the Jupiter Praxis?
Agent Zoil : What?
Graeme Willy : Jenny Starpepper and the big Space Gibbon?
Agent Zoil : Huh?
Clive Gollings : ...Night of the Moths?
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Graeme Willy : That was close!