Psych (TV Series)

Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder (2007)

James Roday Rodriguez: Shawn Spencer

Quotes 

• Shawn Spencer : Don't be such a gloomy you, Gus.

• Shawn Spencer : You know, I went to two comic book stores and three women's volleyball games looking for you. Luckily, your phones has GPS.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : You tracked me?

  Shawn Spencer : Yes, I did, with a little help from my friends at your wireless service provider. By the way, they might be calling. They think you're a fugitive from justice. Run with it.

• Farmer Al Mooney : A guy came in here a couple of weeks ago, and he had the exact same questions.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Do you remember this person's name?

  Farmer Al Mooney : Can't say that I do, but I remember exactly what he looked like.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Can you give us a description?

  Farmer Al Mooney : Yeah, okay. The guy was about nine feet tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamus for a hand.

  [beat] 

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : I don't think I have any more questions.

  Shawn Spencer : Yep, that'll do it.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : Call the restaurant and make a reservation... for justice.

  Shawn Spencer : Is "justice" the time or the number of people in our party?

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : I told her I was working part-time at a psychic detective agency. She must have misunderstood because now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective and that you're...

  Shawn Spencer : Gay?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : No.

  Shawn Spencer : German?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : No.

  Shawn Spencer : Invisible?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : My assistant, Shawn!

  Shawn Spencer : Wow.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : I sense that you're at peace with your husband's passing.

  Mrs. Wagner : Well, not exactly at peace, but it wasn't easy being married to a food critic. He rated everything I did.

  Shawn Spencer : [suggestively]  Surely he couldn't have rated *everything*.

  [Shawn chuckles, but stops when Mrs. Wagner nods] 

  Mrs. Wagner : I never broke two stars.

  Shawn Spencer : Wow, that's... awfully harsh.

• Uncle Burton Guster : I wanna thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You're a regular "Rockford Files".

  [Uncle Burton leaves] 

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?

  Shawn Spencer : More important question: How much TV does he watch?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : I'm serious, Shawn. My cousin took him to the Super Bowl on a helicopter, and he never even thanked him for that.

  Shawn Spencer : I'm serious, too. He's like this crazy tank-shaped encyclopedia of detective shows. I bet he even saw "Manimal".

• Shawn Spencer : We're from the Health Department. We're here for a surprise inspection.

  Chef Antonio : Again? We just had the surprise inspection a few days ago. Why, is there a problem?

  Shawn Spencer : Yes. You weren't surprised enough.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : The cops already have a suspect, but we're pretty sure that Chef Antonio was framed.

  Henry Spencer : Well, then I assume you know all about the veggie burger incident.

  Shawn Spencer : Of course we know about the veggie burger incident, Dad. We're professional detectives.

  [beat] 

  Shawn Spencer : Gus?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Googling it.

• Henry Spencer : A couple of months ago, vegetarian customers at Antonio's Restaurant started complaining about how bad the vegetarian burgers were. Now, in my opinion, you eat a burger without beef in it...

  Shawn Spencer , Henry Spencer : You've lost the right to complain about flavor.

  Shawn Spencer : Heard that speech before. Just call someone a hippie and get to the point.

• Shawn Spencer : His tongue was coated black. Now, what else could possibly cause something like that?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Bismuth subsalicylate.

  Shawn Spencer : That dude who used to play for the Mavericks?

• Uncle Burton Guster : Shawn, this place is a sty. Maybe you should tidy up once in a while, huh? Or did you forget that you're the assistant?

  Shawn Spencer : [at Gus]  You are absolutely right, sir. The person who's NOT the psychic detective should be in charge of ALL the cleaning. It just makes sense.

• Cooper : We call them the Angry Chef Letters. Every chef who ever got a bad review would write a nasty letter to Mr. Wagner about it.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : So you're saying this is all hate mail?

  Cooper : Well, I don't know if I'd call it all "hate" mail. It ranges from "mild dislike" mail to "extreme abhorrence" mail...

  Shawn Spencer : How about "I wish you were dead" mail?

  Cooper : Oh, we have those, too. Back here.

• Perry : Do you know what he wrote in his review of my famous Miso Yellowtail Roll? "Me-So Disappointed."

  [Shawn and Gus snicker] 

  Perry : Don't laugh. It's not funny.

  Shawn Spencer : No, it's not.

• Kat : Put it this way - he once referred to my White Chocolate Tiramisu as "ass cake."

  Shawn Spencer : Whoa... now that just seems mean.

• Shawn Spencer : The first thing you needed was a fall guy. Unfortunately, Lee Majors wasn't available.

  [Gus leans over and whispers in Shawn's ear] 

  Shawn Spencer : Apparently, he was available. He lives here in town. But he was a little out of your price range!

• Shawn Spencer : The curvy A!

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Curvy A? That doesn't sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.

  Shawn Spencer : It's not the name, it's the symbol on top of the box. Come on, man, you eat out all the time. What place has a big swoopy, curving A?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : I don't know. What does it look like?

  [Shawn grabs a pen, draws the logo on Gus's hand] 

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Antonio's!

  Shawn Spencer : Sweet!

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : [frowns]  Why did you write on my hand?

  Shawn Spencer : Why would I write on my own hand? This thing is totally permanent.