Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees (2007)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Photos 

Quotes 

• Adrian Monk : What do you think?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I think he's the *man*.

  Adrian Monk : I don't think he's the man. I think he's the guy.

• Julie Teeger : It's just... how did you know?

  Adrian Monk : Ok, look...

  [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] 

  Adrian Monk : I used to wonder the same thing. When I met Trudy, I said, "Now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

  Julie Teeger : Was it wonderful?

  Adrian Monk : Yeah. I loved falling in love with her. Every day, every morning, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to say is, just don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true *this weekend*, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

  Julie Teeger : Until I find "Trudy."

  Adrian Monk : Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come. Just... stop crying. Let me out of here.

• [Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled] 

  Natalie Teeger : Wait! What are you doing?

  Adrian Monk : It's not even.

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, those are people. Maybe they weren't the same size.

  Adrian Monk : Well, they are now.

  [They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up] 

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.

  Lt. Randall Disher : [reading from his notebook]  OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.

  Natalie Teeger : Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?

  Adrian Monk : Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe...

  Lovely Rita : [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair]  Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [wryly]  Thank you.

  Lovely Rita : Anytime.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.

  Lovely Rita : That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : She's right. Doesn't mean anything.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.

  Natalie Teeger : Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers?

  [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita] 

  Lovely Rita : Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

  Adrian Monk : What chocolate cake? Who are you?

  Lt. Randall Disher : This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.

  Lovely Rita : *Alleged* knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook. Was the wife insured?

  Adrian Monk : No.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : So where's your motive?

  Lovely Rita : Wake up!

  [scoots her chair over] 

  Lovely Rita : You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.

  Adrian Monk : He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he was thinking about was the rug.

  Lovely Rita : You're cute.

  Adrian Monk : No, I'm not.

• Lovely Rita : You're cute.

  Adrian Monk : No, I'm not.

• [while they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship] 

  Natalie Teeger : Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you...

  [she stands up with sudden realization] 

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?

  Adrian Monk : What?

  [Monk is standing on a chair and busy removing the cover to an air vent] 

  Natalie Teeger : Please? I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!

  Adrian Monk : [looks around desperately]  What about him?

  [points at Mr. Morrisey, Dewey's landlord] 

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Morrisey?

  Adrian Monk : Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.

  [He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He fits the screwdriver blade through the grip of the gun and pulls it out] 

  Mr. Morrissy : What is it?

  Adrian Monk : It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?

  Mr. Morrissy : So he had another gun.

  Adrian Monk : But there's... there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun.

  [He puts the gun back. Natalie stands on another chair to be at Monk's height] 

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!

  Adrian Monk : Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...

  Natalie Teeger : That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.

  Adrian Monk : Huh?

  Natalie Teeger : In this particular case!

• Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family.

  Adrian Monk : Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue... I am probably the least qualified person in North America.

  Natalie Teeger : That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model!

  Adrian Monk : Huh?

  Natalie Teeger : ...in this particular case.

• Adrian Monk : [whispering]  I'm supposed to be giving you "the big talk."

  Julie Teeger : [also whispering]  Why?

  Adrian Monk : Because you're dating an older boy...

  Julie Teeger : No, I mean, why *you*?

  Adrian Monk : That's what I said!

• Adrian Monk : [loudly]  We certainly have had a very productive talk.

  [edges toward the door] 

  Adrian Monk : This is the end of the talk...

  Julie Teeger : Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

  Adrian Monk : [whispering]  What are you doing?

  Julie Teeger : No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?

  Adrian Monk : Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand?

  [Julie starts to cry] 

  Adrian Monk : No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying.

  [louder] 

  Adrian Monk : What you're feeling is perfectly normal!

  [whispering] 

  Adrian Monk : What you're feeling is probably normal.

• Lovely Rita : You're cute.

  Adrian Monk : No, I'm not.

  Lovely Rita : You ever unbutton that top button?

  Adrian Monk : Uhh...

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their bank records, their emails, their phone records, talked to their friends. There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.

  Adrian Monk : Look, I know I've seen them someplace.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Where?

  Adrian Monk : I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, they lived in different worlds.

  [hands them one file] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions, bad checks, drugs, a couple of burglaries. And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest. One in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

• Tim Sussman : Mrs. Teeger! What are you doing here? Is Julie with you?

  Natalie Teeger : No, but you might want to give her a call, because I'm pretty sure she's gonna break up with Clay.

  Tim Sussman : She is? She told you that?

  Natalie Teeger : Not exactly...

  [to Monk] 

  Natalie Teeger : Can I tell him?

  Adrian Monk : I don't think you should.

  Natalie Teeger : I'm gonna tell him.

  Adrian Monk : Why do you bother asking then?