- Juggler: Oh, come on! I've got this wine bottle balanced on my face and all you can do is go
- [weakly]
- Juggler: "Yeah!"
- Australian: Okay, Shelia? Ever have an Aussie kiss? It's like a French kiss but down under! I bet you bang like a dunnie door in a hurricane! Don't fold your arms, mate, it's a compliment where I come from! I tell ya, my girlfriend woke up one day and starting screaming and throwing things at me, then just stared at me with her arms folded, I could not get at a nipple from any angle! And what it was, was she was angry over something I'd done in her dream! "What did I do?" "You slept with my sister!" And I thought "Strewth! What's she going to do when she finds out that's true?"
- Juggler: [tower of stuff on his face] Now, Liz, grab my balls! Kidding!
- Australian: Birmingham, I tell ya! It's not the End of the World, but you can see it from there! The only place you see a dog stepping in human shit in the street! It got between his pads, he was not happy.
- Australian: Bonza, you little ripper, throw another Kanga on the Barbie!
- Irishman: Have ye heard these terrible love songs coming out now? "Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it!" Oh, you spent all night in tears coming up with that one, didn't ye? What's next? "Of course I love you! I'm shagging you, aren't I?"
- Fat Comedian: Here's what women say: "You don't understand the female body. I know what you like, but you don't know what I like!" Sure, like the male anatomy is so hard to understand! "Here's a crayon, can you work it for me?" Meanwhile the female anatomy is like an IBM 9000. You're tapping away at keys waiting for something to happen, and when it does you're like "Now, wait, what the Hell did I do here!" And if you do remember it, she's changed the Access Code!
- Black Comedian: You know, when you're having sex and you bend your penis?
- [Awkward chuckling]
- Black Comedian: You're like this!
- [he sings like a Choirboy, striding with praying hands]
- Black Comedian: Laaa! We don't do that heeere! And how about those glow-in-the-dark condoms? They really make for an interesting entrance into the bedroom.
- [Lightsaber Noises]
- Black Comedian: "Luke, I am your Father! Join me on the Dark Side!" "I'll never join you!"
- [Wookie Noise]
- Black Comedian: "I don't care what you smell, Chewie, get in there!"
- [singing Ewok Noises. Yoda Noises]
- Black Comedian: "Oooh! Ooooh! Don't touch me there! The Force is strong!"
- [Laser sounds. Emperor Voice]
- Black Comedian: "OH I'M AFRAID THE DEATH STAR WILL BE QUITE OPERATIONAL WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARRIVE!"
- [Looks stunned and steps back, like he killed the romantic mood]
- Woman Comedian 1: So I was up in my Hotel Room watching Porn, because that's the kind of Girl I am...
- Woman Comedian 3: It's the Year of the Woman! And then Mrs Bobbit cuts her Husband's thingy off! I don't think we're getting another year...
- Woman Comedian 2: Do you think someone as Charismatic as Audrey Hepburn would do Pulp Fiction? "Sorry honey, I've snorted too much Charlie Whizz! Never mind, I can tell you're such a darling man you won't mind if I pass out on the carpet and need my heart restarted!"
- Nerdy comic: Yeah I'm a loner. But did you see Se7en? Who keeps it together at the end? The lonely man!
- American comic 1: How about that cold toilet bowl against your forehead when you're drunk? God bless that toilet bowl!
- [Retch noise]
- American comic 1: Not yet! Ooh, chicken wings...
- American comic 2: She said I had to have my Frenum pierced. I look it up, a ridge on the back of the Penis. Why? Because it would transport her to the next level of Ecstacy. Now, if I have to put a ring in my Johnson, to transport her to the next level of Ecstacy, doesn't that tell you that I AM A LOUSY PIECE OF ASS?
- American comic 2: Hi! Yeah, I know, I'm not from 'round here. But I married one of the Natives!