- Angie Lopez: If you don't lie, you don't have to worry about hurting people.
- George Lopez: No, I think sometimes you have to lie to spare someone's feelings. For instance, your wedding ring.
- Angie Lopez: I don't want to hear it.
- George Lopez: If somebody tries to take it, don't fight them.
- Angie Lopez: Should I fight for my diamond earrings?
- George Lopez: Only if the guy's small.
- Angie Lopez: Damn it!
- Wayne Hill: [pulls Ernie's mom's bra out of his pocket] What the hell?
- Benny: Yeah... what the HELL is that?
- George Lopez: [Rodney Dangerfield voice] Those things are so big, I bet they still have snow on them in the summer.
- [Benny looks at him]
- George Lopez: He's a guy on TV, nobody respects him.
- Benny: Why didn't you tell me Wayne was here? If I'd known he was coming over, I would've wore more makeup and less underwear!
- George Lopez: [to Angie] Hey, she's wearing underwear again.
- Wayne Hill: Benny was the only woman who ever called me on my crap. After my marriage ended I hoped we could get back together.
- Angie Lopez: George, I'm sure your mom would've been really happy to see Wayne.
- George Lopez: Angie, she's dead, she'd be happy to see anything, a cloud, tomato, give me something, Wayne.
- Wayne Hill: A cat?
- George Lopez: No, she hated cats, you didn't really know her that well, did you?
- Benny: [Vic carries in a floral wreath] What's that?
- George Lopez: That's for Angie.
- Benny: Then why does it say 'Rest in peace'?
- George Lopez: She was good last night, she needs her rest.
- Vic Palmero: [reads card] Then why does it say 'In loving memory'?
- George Lopez: In memory of the loving. Anymore questions?
- Vic Palmero: One, how many more times are you going to reference sleeping with my daughter while I'm in the room?
- George Lopez: Sorry, Vic, we all know she's an angel... until she goes upstairs.
- [whistles]