Boston Legal (TV Series)

Green Christmas (2007)

James Spader: Alan Shore

Quotes 

• Alan Shore : ...What about your case? What's happening there?

  Denny Crane : Trial. We'll win. Deep down, people hate the environment.

  Alan Shore : I'm not sure that's true, Denny.

  Denny Crane : Actions speak louder than words. Never mind what we say. Consider what we do.

• Alan Shore : I may not be much of a lawyer, Mr. Palmer, but I can see the obvious. Foreclose on Mr. Bell's house, and your client will be left holding an asset he can't sell, and a loan that will never be paid off.

  Alan Shore : Over the next eighteen months, two million of these teaser mortgages are going to expire. And a trillion dollars' worth of loans are going to be called in. As interest rates keeps ticking up, and property values keep slipping down, that trillion dollars' worth of debt is going to be secured by houses worth a fraction of that. Keep throwing people out on the street, taking their homes instead of their money, and you'll be left with a stock price of zero, and a public that's out for blood.

  [Alan gestures to himself, then Clarence, then the banker, then Mr. Palmer] 

  Alan Shore : Not mine, or his, but yours. And yours.

  Alan Shore : You can smell it in the air - anger, and chaos. If Shakespeare were alive today, he might say, "First thing, let's kill all the bankers." Tell me, Melvin. What exactly do you plan to trade on in that courtroom? Your witless grin and home-style cookin'? Or perhaps the banking industry's stellar reputation. The FBI has already claimed mortgage fraud as the fastest-growing white collar crime in America. In some cities, even drug dealers have turned to mortgage lending. Profits are high, death rate is low - until, of course, people start shooting the suits.

  Alan Shore : I may not know much about law, but even a gigantic hoot like me knows, cases always come down to emotion. Who do you think the jury's heart will go out to on this one? I've got a man who's lost his home, and his entire life savings. You've got a bank.

• Denny Crane : [Alan and Denny on their balcony, part 3 of 3]  Have you bought my present yet?

  Alan Shore : Well, it's still a little early.

  Denny Crane : I know what I want.

  Alan Shore : Tell me.

  Denny Crane : Well, I saw you dancing, close, with Lorraine - a lot closer than I'll ever get, but I've resigned myself to that. And her perfume rubbed off on you, I can smell it from here.

  Alan Shore : ...And?

  Denny Crane : Alan. Can I smell you?

  Alan Shore : [Scoffs, then realizes he's serious]  That's all you want for Christmas.

  Denny Crane : [Earnestly]  Please.

  Alan Shore : ...Better not try anything.

  Denny Crane : I won't! I just wanna, drink her in a little.

  [They both stand and approach each other] 

  Denny Crane : And pretend.

  [Alan scoffs again, and Denny sniffs him close] 

  Denny Crane : Ooh, oh my.

  Alan Shore : [Sniffing Denny back]  What's this perfume on you?

  Denny Crane : [Eyes closed, still sniffing]  It's from... one of the go-go dancers.

  Alan Shore : Hmm. It's very good. Wow.

  Denny Crane : Alan. Don't talk. It makes it harder to pretend you're Lorraine.

  Alan Shore : Did she say what it was, this go-go girl?

  Denny Crane : [Getting exasperated]  Smell all you want, Alan, just - don't talk.

  Alan Shore : May I say just one thing, since this is my gift?

  Denny Crane : What?

  Alan Shore : Merry Christmas, Denny.

  Denny Crane : [Pulls back to share the moment with Alan]  Merry Christmas, my friend.

• Alan Shore : I can't, Denny, I have a meeting with Clarence.

  Denny Crane : I don't want Sack defending me!

  Alan Shore : He won the last time!

  Denny Crane : Exactly. He'll expect me to be grateful.

  Alan Shore : The bank is trying to take Clarence's house away. I told him I'd help. And as for you, I thought you agreed to stop shooting people?

  Denny Crane : He's an environmentalist!

  Alan Shore : Even so.

  [Puts on his jacket] 

  Alan Shore : You were hoping to get called on Shirley's carpet again, weren't you? That's what this is about.

  Denny Crane : No no, I really wanted to shoot him.

  Alan Shore : [He scoffs, as Clarence appears in the doorway, calling Alan. Alan sighs]  Your best defense here Denny is remorse, contrition. You need to look past the fact that he's an environmentalist, and see him as the terrible golfer you've always loved to beat, and apologize!

  [Walks out] 

  Alan Shore : C'mon, Clarence.

• Denny Crane : [Alan and Denny on their balcony, part 1 of 3]  Can you imagine the nerve of that doctor? Telling me I wouldn't live long enough to get Alzheimer's? I'll make it. You watch.

  Alan Shore : What are the odds of somebody getting Mad Cow, and Alzheimer's?

  Denny Crane : Right!

  [Chuckles] 

  Denny Crane : See, now, I feel good! I think it's good to live life as though it were a finite thing. Cuz it is. I appreciate today. Tomorrow I'll wake up, and it'll be another day to savor. And after it, I'll go to bed, and I'll wake up, and it'll be another... and another... and another...

  [Looks thoughtful, and then sighs] 

  Denny Crane : Besides, I can reverse this, uh, MCI thing, whenever I want.

  Alan Shore : You can?

  Denny Crane : I read a study! Blood goes to your brain, blood goes to your penis, but not at the same time. So if I want to hone my mental skills, I just cut down on the sex. Question is, is it really worth it?

  Alan Shore : I think Plato once asked that.