Boston Legal (TV Series)

Green Christmas (2007)

William Shatner: Denny Crane

Quotes 

• Alan Shore : ...What about your case? What's happening there?

  Denny Crane : Trial. We'll win. Deep down, people hate the environment.

  Alan Shore : I'm not sure that's true, Denny.

  Denny Crane : Actions speak louder than words. Never mind what we say. Consider what we do.

• Denny Crane : [Alan and Denny on their balcony, part 3 of 3]  Have you bought my present yet?

  Alan Shore : Well, it's still a little early.

  Denny Crane : I know what I want.

  Alan Shore : Tell me.

  Denny Crane : Well, I saw you dancing, close, with Lorraine - a lot closer than I'll ever get, but I've resigned myself to that. And her perfume rubbed off on you, I can smell it from here.

  Alan Shore : ...And?

  Denny Crane : Alan. Can I smell you?

  Alan Shore : [Scoffs, then realizes he's serious]  That's all you want for Christmas.

  Denny Crane : [Earnestly]  Please.

  Alan Shore : ...Better not try anything.

  Denny Crane : I won't! I just wanna, drink her in a little.

  [They both stand and approach each other] 

  Denny Crane : And pretend.

  [Alan scoffs again, and Denny sniffs him close] 

  Denny Crane : Ooh, oh my.

  Alan Shore : [Sniffing Denny back]  What's this perfume on you?

  Denny Crane : [Eyes closed, still sniffing]  It's from... one of the go-go dancers.

  Alan Shore : Hmm. It's very good. Wow.

  Denny Crane : Alan. Don't talk. It makes it harder to pretend you're Lorraine.

  Alan Shore : Did she say what it was, this go-go girl?

  Denny Crane : [Getting exasperated]  Smell all you want, Alan, just - don't talk.

  Alan Shore : May I say just one thing, since this is my gift?

  Denny Crane : What?

  Alan Shore : Merry Christmas, Denny.

  Denny Crane : [Pulls back to share the moment with Alan]  Merry Christmas, my friend.

• Alan Shore : I can't, Denny, I have a meeting with Clarence.

  Denny Crane : I don't want Sack defending me!

  Alan Shore : He won the last time!

  Denny Crane : Exactly. He'll expect me to be grateful.

  Alan Shore : The bank is trying to take Clarence's house away. I told him I'd help. And as for you, I thought you agreed to stop shooting people?

  Denny Crane : He's an environmentalist!

  Alan Shore : Even so.

  [Puts on his jacket] 

  Alan Shore : You were hoping to get called on Shirley's carpet again, weren't you? That's what this is about.

  Denny Crane : No no, I really wanted to shoot him.

  Alan Shore : [He scoffs, as Clarence appears in the doorway, calling Alan. Alan sighs]  Your best defense here Denny is remorse, contrition. You need to look past the fact that he's an environmentalist, and see him as the terrible golfer you've always loved to beat, and apologize!

  [Walks out] 

  Alan Shore : C'mon, Clarence.

• Walt Bonner : [At the initial settlement meeting between Denny, Walt, and their attorneys, Denny has been discretely shooting an Airsoft pistol at Walt as he diatribes]  Ow! Dammit, something keeps hitting me in the face, and it hurts!

  Carl Sack : [Despite Denny acting 'innocent,' Carl has seen]  Why don't, um... we take a break, and let cooler heads prevail?

  [Caught, Denny takes another shot at Walt, for all to see] 

  Walt Bonner : [to Denny]  Ow! You're shooting me!

  Denny Crane : Ah, it's an Airsoft gun. Don't be such a girl.

  Walt Bonner : Obnoxious -

  [Denny shoots him again] 

  Walt Bonner : Sick!

  Denny Crane : Second Amendment, he was attacking me! I have a right to defend myself!

  [He looks to Carl] 

  Denny Crane : ... Don't I?

• Denny Crane : [Walt walks into Denny's office. Denny is wearing reindeer antlers, and his desk is covered with dozens of guns. Denny greets his old friend]  Ah. Scotch and egg nog, hold the nog?

  Walt Bonner : No thank you. What's with... all the guns here, Denny, if you don't mind my asking?

  Denny Crane : Oh, Coast Guard Auxiliary. I'm serving my country. It's fantastic. Getting reacquainted with weaponry. Wanna join?

  Walt Bonner : Actually, Denny, I do serve my country. Which is one of the reasons I'm here. In fact, I joined the board of Green People to save this country, as well as the planet.

  [Denny sighs] 

  Walt Bonner : Denny, this is a little awkward. Green People hired Crane, Poole, and Schmidt on my recommendation. And the only reason I made that recommendation was because you told me your firm was extremely green!

  Denny Crane : Yeah. So?

  Walt Bonner : Well, it's not. Not really.

  Denny Crane : Wha-what're you talking about? We have all these...

  [He gestures toward the ceiling with a shotgun he's picked up off the desk] 

  Denny Crane : curly-cue light bulbs.

  Walt Bonner : Yeah, well, there are major areas where this firm is not green! You have no solar panels, no car pool policies... I discovered you recently threw away your old computers! Which contain hazardous waste!

  [Denny makes a sad noise, but Walt barrels ahead] 

  Walt Bonner : And which will probably end up in the landfill! Meanwhile, Green People is paying your firm legal fees in the six figures every year! Bottom line, Denny, get green or I'll recommend we hire another law firm.

  Denny Crane : Walt...

  [Denny sets down the shotgun] 

  Denny Crane : May I say something?

  Walt Bonner : [Nods]  Okay.

  Denny Crane : I love the environment, I really do. And every day, I kiss the ground I walk on, as do many others, because I am, after all, Denny Crane.

  [Walt sighs in exasperation and shakes his head - Denny imitates him] 

  Denny Crane : What's this, you got a tick?

  Walt Bonner : Denny. I take this cause seriously. I'm committing the rest of my life to it. I told you it was important for our law firm to be environmentally conscious. You're wearing blinking antlers, for God's sake!

  Denny Crane : Walt, it's Christmas! It's a time of year to embrace... giving, and getting, and waste, and gluttony, and all the things that made God and this country great! Don't be such a girl.

  Walt Bonner : Now, I am getting angry.

  Denny Crane : Well, so am I! Frankly, I hope this planet survives, I really do. But I am getting sick of you smug, hybrid-driving socialists telling the rest of us how to live our lives! I'm rich, okay? I like to guzzle a little gas, now and then. I keep my thermostat at 72 during the winter, and I prefer night games in football! And I am fed up with you global warming wusses raining on my electric parade!

  Walt Bonner : You can be such an arrogant, ignorant, ass!

  Denny Crane : So can you!

  [He picks up an automatic rifle-looking gun off the table, and shoots Walt, Scarface-style, multiple times. There's a beat where Denny looks at Walt, who looks down at his... paintball-splattered sweater. Denny continues] 

  Denny Crane : Good news, it's paint. Bad news, it's not biodegradable! Nobody comes into my office, and ruins my Christmas, with a load of save-the-planet, atheist, communist crap!

  [Gestures toward the door, as Walt shakily picks up his jacket] 

  Denny Crane : Off you go now.

  [Walt leaves, and the main titles roll] 

• Denny Crane : [Alan and Denny on their balcony, part 1 of 3]  Can you imagine the nerve of that doctor? Telling me I wouldn't live long enough to get Alzheimer's? I'll make it. You watch.

  Alan Shore : What are the odds of somebody getting Mad Cow, and Alzheimer's?

  Denny Crane : Right!

  [Chuckles] 

  Denny Crane : See, now, I feel good! I think it's good to live life as though it were a finite thing. Cuz it is. I appreciate today. Tomorrow I'll wake up, and it'll be another day to savor. And after it, I'll go to bed, and I'll wake up, and it'll be another... and another... and another...

  [Looks thoughtful, and then sighs] 

  Denny Crane : Besides, I can reverse this, uh, MCI thing, whenever I want.

  Alan Shore : You can?

  Denny Crane : I read a study! Blood goes to your brain, blood goes to your penis, but not at the same time. So if I want to hone my mental skills, I just cut down on the sex. Question is, is it really worth it?

  Alan Shore : I think Plato once asked that.

• Denny Crane : [Alan and Denny on their balcony, part 2 of 3]  Don't you love Christmas? Anything goes wrong in the world, Christmas makes it go away. Decorations, carols, tree.

  [Chuckles] 

  Denny Crane : I don't tell this to many people, but... I once had sex with a Christmas tree.

  [Alan gives him a confused look, and Denny chuckles again] 

  Denny Crane : Not a real tree. When I was in college, my parents had one of those... Christmas masquerade party things? And um, Diana Corelock - I think I've mentioned her to you - she brought her slutty cousin along, and she was dressed so beautifully in the... she had the popcorn strings around her, and icicles, and candy cane from both, uh... wow. She was magic. So, up to the room. And my mother walked in, and caught me humping a tree!

  [They chuckle] 

  Denny Crane : That was trouble. And she was already mad at me for sucking face with the Virgin Mary under a mistletoe! That was a tough party.