- Kevin Dorfman: You only go around once in this life.
- Adrian Monk: That's the best news I've heard all day.
- Linda Riggs: I'm sorry to bother you at home. I read about you on the Internet and I looked up your address and... I don't know where else to go.
- [sobs]
- Adrian Monk: I'm on the Internet?
- Adrian Monk: I think he's the guy.
- Natalie Teeger: Me too, at least I hope he is.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
- Adrian Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
- Natalie Teeger: Which is the maximum dosage.
- Adrian Monk: And it was Max's suggestion.
- Natalie Teeger: He went to their doctor personally to fill those prescriptions.
- Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold...
- [Disher blushes in the background]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
- Lt. Randall Disher: S-sorry.
- Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
- [Randy blushes again]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
- Max Hudson: [notices Monk working on the tag to Mr. Limpey, the crash test dummy] Mickey, who the hell is that?
- Mickey: His name's Adrian Monk. He said you invited them down.
- Max Hudson: Ooh! The private dick! My sister in law hired a private detective...
- [Monk starts putting dots on the sign on Mr. Limpey that says "Chairman of the F.C.C."]
- Willie: What's he doing to Mr. Limpey?
- Max Hudson: Monk! Get in here buddy!
- Natalie Teeger: Sir, if you would
- [tries to grab the pen from Monk, which turns into an arm-wrestling match]
- Willie: [hits a bell]
- Max Hudson: Cat fight in our control room!
- JJ the Joke Machine: Fight! Fight! Fight!
- [Monk and Natalie continue to arm-wrestle for a few more seconds, and then Monk stabs and deflates Mr. Limpey]
- JJ the Joke Machine: OWWW!
- Max Hudson: OWWW!
- JJ the Joke Machine: He killed Mr. Limpey!
- Adrian Monk: What station is he on?
- Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, so close.
- Natalie Teeger: I just don't see how he could have done it. So when Jeanette died, Max was on the air doing a live show. The night before, he's at a party in Los Angeles. He hasn't been home in two days.
- Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. She was using all my Kleenex.
- [They notice Linda Riggs at the front door]
- Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
- Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming?
- [Notices a welcome mat that says "GO AWAY" on it]
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, that's not for you. That's a joke.
- Adrian Monk: How is that a joke?
- Natalie Teeger: Well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
- ["WELCOME"]
- Adrian Monk: So it's an opposite joke?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Neighbor: [notices them] He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave two hours ago.
- Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog.
- Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat.
- [force laughs]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [after Disher blushes for the second time] Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
- Natalie Teeger: I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
- Adrian Monk: What station is he on?
- Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
- Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.
- Natalie Teeger: I just don't see how he could have done it. Have you seen this? So when Jeanette died, Max was on the air doing a live show, and the night before he was at a party in Los Angeles. He hasn't been home in two days.
- Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. I had to; she was using up all my Kleenex.
- [They meet Linda Riggs at the front door]
- Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
- Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming?
- [He's looking at the welcome mat, which reads "GO AWAY"]
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk. That's not for you. It's a joke.
- Adrian Monk: Really? How's that funny?
- Natalie Teeger: Well, I think it's funny because it's the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
- Adrian Monk: S-so it's an opposite joke?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- [a neighbor, walking his dog past the driveway, notices them]
- Neighbor: He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
- Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog.
- Neighbor: Thank you.
- Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat.
- [force laughs unconvincingly]
- Natalie Teeger: [after Randy mentions having listened to Monk's first attempt to question Max Hudson] Oh my god, you listen to that creep?
- Lt. Randall Disher: I think he's great... ing, degrading to women.