- Homer Simpson: All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.
- Declan Desmond: Are you and Marge planning on having children?
- Homer Simpson: No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down.
- [Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa]
- Homer Simpson: I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.
- Homer Simpson: I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!
- Ned Flanders: [about Homer] He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.
- Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?
- Homer Simpson: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.
- Carl Carlson: [at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.
- Barney Gumble: I wish for world war.
- Carl Carlson: Hey, that is cooler.
- Moe Szyslak: My daddy was a circus freak. My mommy can't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of each one.
- Mr. Burns: What are you people doing in my summer home?
- Homer Simpson: This is Eduardo, our pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.
- Mr. Burns: I am an angry rich man!
- Homer Simpson: That's the pool chemicals talking.
- Homer Simpson: [to Mr. Burns] Please pretend you work for me. You can have the boy. Just don't beat him.
- [Whispering]
- Homer Simpson: You can beat him. Just don't leave marks.
- Krusty the Clown: Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due - but still, a lovely gesture.
- Homer Simpson: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book...
- [looks at it and laughs a bit]
- Homer Simpson: I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.
- Snake: Give me my car, fatty!
- Homer Simpson: What? This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
- Snake: Right.
- [they start fighting over the steering wheel]
- [Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins]
- Bart Simpson: Mine has a cup holder.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, that a blowhole.
- Bart Simpson: You're a blowhole!
- [Bart puts cup on blowhole; dolphin starts to sink]
- Bart Simpson: No, boy. Up! Up!
- Marge Simpson: I'm so proud of my Homer I feel my chest will burst. Can you edit that? I don't want to say "chest" in a movie.
- Declan Desmond: You said it, and it stays.
- Marge Simpson: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
- [he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo]
- Homer Simpson: They had a sale on skulls.
- Lenny: My daddy said I could have any birthday party I want. My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur, and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "Yes", I'll say.
- Declan Desmond: [narrates] I decided not to waste any more film on him after that...
- Lenny: I'm ready for my segment!
- Declan Desmond: Lenny, always exciting to hear from you! Did you ever try that new shampoo?
- Lenny: Nope never did. Do you want to see me pay my cable bill? I have checks with butterflies on them. I am interesting.
- Declan Desmond: No you're not.
- Chief Wiggum: Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
- Officer Lou: Except pants that fit.
- Chief Wiggum: I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me!
- Officer Lou: I'm not making fun of you, I'm making fun of your pants!
- Chief Wiggum: How would you like it if I made fun of your pants?
- Officer Lou: Go ahead.
- Chief Wiggum: Well they're a little, um... uh... oh, they're perfect!