Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Principal, Voter Guy

Quotes 

• Announcer : [voiceover]  To Tell The Truth, with guest host Richard Nixon, will not be shown at this time. In its place we present another show that defies credibility.

• Nasti : Alasdair, I knew you couldn't get out to vote, so I brought along your ballot.

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, what are you running for, dog catcher?

  Nasti : No-no, kid catcher.

  Alasdair Gillis : Hey, just a second, there's only one name on this ballot - yours.

  Nasti : Yeah. Things look pretty good for me at the polls.

  Alasdair Gillis : But this is a farce! I'm not voting for you. Forget it.

  Nasti : Wait a minute, listen, if I catch udder kids, I'll let you go free.

  Alasdair Gillis : Ah. Well, um... after careful consideration, and 'cause you'd be the best for the, uh, country, I guess you're the only man for the job, right?

  Nasti : I thought you'd see it may way.

• El Capitano : The politicians come and go but the military is always around.

• Principal : You should be ashamed with yourself - caught red-handed cheating in an exam, and then you tried to bribe the teacher. What have you got to say for ourself?

  Alasdair Gillis : Nothing. What's wrong with that?

  Principal : Whadda you wanna be when you grow up - a criminal? A thief?

  Alasdair Gillis : No. A politician.

• Lisa Ruddy : You being a politician, how do you feel about the arms race?

  Lance Prevort : Ah, uh, is that anything like the Indianapolis 500?

• Alasdair Gillis : But, Dad, I'm not so sure I want to get into politics.

  Lance Prevort : Aw, come ON, Alasdair. It's-it's, uh, easy hours and you don't have to know very much.

• Lance Prevort : Your first report card from your brand new school, the school of politics. Let's see how you did here. Graft: A. Payoffs: A+ - good work. Mud-slinging: A-. Dirty Tricks: A. Rabble-Rousing: A+ - beautiful. Statesmanship, Diplomacy and Foreign Policy: F. Oh, Justin, you've made me so proud, my boy. Beautiful!

  Justin Cammy : But, Dad, I flunked three subjects!

  Lance Prevort : Ah, yeah, but you passed the important ones.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been a Prime Time Political Broadcast.

• Lisa Ruddy : [hearing that Lance's reelection campaign isn't going well]  Well, have you been doing all the regular stuff, like shaking hands and kissing babies?

  Lance Prevort : Yeah. Oh! Oh, is THAT the way it goes? Oh, no wonder. I been kissing hands and shakin' babies.

• Mr. Schidtler : In communist countries, there is a complete lack of free speech, punishment without trial, and a ruthless leader who is not popularly elected.

  Alasdair Gillis : So what's so different about that?

  Mr. Schidtler : What?

  Alasdair Gillis : It sounds exactly like school.

• Mr. Schidtler : Young man, how do you think that this course in electronics has, uh, benefitted you?

  Justin Cammy : Well, I must say, it HAS prepared me for a career in politics.

  Mr. Schidtler : Uh-huh... Politics?

  Justin Cammy : Sure. Now I know how to tap a phone and bug a room.