Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Howard Cosell, NY Scout

Quotes 

• Brodie Osome : Did you know the National Hockey League is very interested in Barth?

  Simone Lumsden : Barth? I didn't know he could skate.

  Brodie Osome : He can't. It's just his hamburgers make great hockey pucks.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Yeah, but did you know they can't use them anymore?

  Simone Lumsden : Why not?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : They broke too many sticks.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Announcer : Howard Cosell Loses His Voice will not be seen at this time because NOBODY could be that lucky.

• Lance Prevort : [after 20 years of practicing his putt]  Ya know, I outta knock your block off.

  Simone Lumsden : Come on. You don't even know which club to use.

• Kevin Kubusheskie : [before the firing squad]  They missed!

  El Capitano : "THEY" missed? Ho-ho. No, YOU missed! You let it go right past and they scored one. Oh-ho!

  Kevin Kubusheskie : What're you talking about?

  El Capitano : Well, you're supposed to STOP the bullet, not let it go past. I d-don't know these kids... I don't know what the... Now look, you're going to try it once again. And you better stop that bullet this time or you're in real trouble.

  El Capitano : [as Kevin bends down like a baseball player]  Ready! Aim!...

• Mr. Schidtler : [entering classroom]  Today we're going to try something entirely different. We're going to find out which ones of ya think you're stupid.

  [class laughs] 

  Mr. Schidtler : No-no-no-no. No-no-no, whoever thinks he's stupid, stand up!

  [Kevin stands up] 

  Mr. Schidtler : Now, come on now, Kevin. You don't really think you're stupid.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Oh, it's not that, sir. It's just that you looked so lonely standing there all by yourself.

• Lance Prevort : Oh, Valerie, I got bad news.

  Valerie Prevort : What is it, dear?

  Lance Prevort : We are gonna have to move.

  Valerie Prevort : Why? Is your company sending us to another city?

  Lance Prevort : No-no, no, no, no-no-no.

  Valerie Prevort : Are we... in disgrace?

  Lance Prevort : Oh, no-no. Nope.

  Valerie Prevort : Is it my parking tickets?

  Lance Prevort : Naw... huh-haw, no. Not exactly. No.

  Valerie Prevort : It's my cooking?

  Lance Prevort : Cooking? No-no, you been keepin' the windows closed.

  Valerie Prevort : Well, then, what is it?

• Announcer : [as Kevin Kubusheskie pulls the longest, saddest face he's ever mustered before the camera]  You Can't Do That On Television has been a Poor Sport Production.

  [Kevin, looking like he's been about to cry, suddenly pounds the camera lens, breaking it] 

• Lance Prevort : Ah hah, hidin', eh?

  [Tony emerges from behind the couch in his baseball uniform] 

  Tony Lefebvre : No.

  Lance Prevort : Oh yes you were, and I know why. 'Cause your sister was seriously hurt, and she says it's all your fault.

  Tony Lefebvre : All my fault? I saved her life.

  Lance Prevort : Saved her life? She fell off the Community Centre roof.

  Tony Lefebvre : I was on my way to the baseball park when I saw her falling, and I went and caught her.

  Lance Prevort : Caught her? How come she's so badly hurt?

  Tony Lefebvre : Force of habit, Dad. I caught her, then I threw her to second base.