- Announcer: Pavorotti Sings The Blues will not be seen at this time. In its place we present the following out-of-tune program.
- Christine McGlade: Hi. And welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, another in a long series of sour notes. Unless you're absolutely tone deaf, you've probably realized by now that this week's show is about music. But just in case you ARE tone deaf, I thought I would enlighten you, the audience, by telling you that the opening music to this show is actually a classical piece. It's by an Italian composer named Rosini and it's called "The William Tell Overture."
- Ross Ewich: Uh-uh-uh, no-no-no. They SHOULD have used Debussey's "la Danse de Laisse Marionnettes."
- Christine McGlade: Why is that, Ross?
- Ross Ewich: 'Cause your kids' acting is so wooden.
- Mr. Schidtler: Can anyone tell me what the three B's are?
- Brodie Osome: Oh! Oh!
- Mr. Schidtler: Brodie.
- Brodie Osome: The Boss, the Beatles and the Beach Boys.
- Mr. Schidtler: Ohhh...
- Lisa Ruddy: Oh, me, sir.
- Mr. Schidtler: Lisa.
- Lisa Ruddy: It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult and the B-52's. Yeah!
- Justin Cammy: No-no. How classless of you two? Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach and Brahms.
- Brodie Osome, Lisa Ruddy, Christine McGlade: Ohhh...
- Mr. Schidtler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone and the queen bee. This is a science class. You forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds.
- Alasdair Gillis: [at summer camp] Brodie? Why do they always wake us up in the morning with a trumpet?
- Brodie Osome: It's a plot to make us hate music forever.
- Alasdair Gillis: You know what? I think it's working.
- Alasdair Gillis: [shackled to the dungeon wall] What's all the noise?
- Nasti: Noise? Noise? Vhat? Those screams from the torture chamber are MUSIC to MY ears.
- Alasdair Gillis: Screams from the torture chamber?
- Nasti: Yes! Vhat d'you exshpect me to like, minuets? Oh, the sound of the human voice SCREAMING in terror. DHAT'S... music... to my ears. Oh-ho, love it! Oh, that reminds me, it's time for your music lessons.
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, why is it that music you like to play loud on the stereo your parents are always making you turn down, and music you don't like to play your parents are always making you practice?
- Nasti: It's fun-o'cock. You know what that means.
- Alasdair Gillis: Oh, no! Not that! Come on! It's torture!
- Nasti: [chuckling] I know. It's time...
- Nasti: [drops the keys] oops... for your piano lesson.
- Alasdair Gillis: Ah-ha, come on! Can't you give me the rack instead?
- Nasti: No.
- Alasdair Gillis: Chinese water torture?
- Nasti: Mm-mm. No.
- Alasdair Gillis: Boiled in oil?
- Nasti: Come on.
- Justin Cammy: [at Barth's] I don't come here for the food.
- Alasdair Gillis: Then why DO you come here?
- Justin Cammy: Well, it's the cheapest place I can get catgut for my violin.
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- Lisa Ruddy: I can't pick out what instrument I want to play. What did you pick?
- Alasdair Gillis: Well I picked trombone.
- Lisa Ruddy: Alasdair, why did you pick the trombone. It's even bigger than you are. How come?
- Alasdair Gillis: Well, 'cause it's the most fun.
- Lisa Ruddy: The most fun? What?
- Alasdair Gillis: 'Cause I now shoot the biggest spitballs in the history of Benedict Arnold Public School.
- Lisa Ruddy: Go for it.
- [Alasdair gives it a blast and, missing Mr. Schidtler's head, the blackboard is splatted by a soggy spitball the size of a small pillow]
- Ross Ewich: [seeing the kids in tuxedos] You guys goin' to a wedding or something? What's goin' on here?
- Christine McGlade: Ross, you're just in time to hear our quintet play Mozart's Concerto in D Minor for string instruments.
- Ross Ewich: What a minute! Moose, no-no-no. Mozart's Concerto in D Minor? You can't do that. That's a very difficult piece.
- Brodie Osome: We know, but we've been practicing for the last half hour.
- Ross Ewich: "HALF HOUR?"