Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip

Quotes 

• Announcer : Pavorotti Sings The Blues will not be seen at this time. In its place we present the following out-of-tune program.

• Christine McGlade : Hi. And welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, another in a long series of sour notes. Unless you're absolutely tone deaf, you've probably realized by now that this week's show is about music. But just in case you ARE tone deaf, I thought I would enlighten you, the audience, by telling you that the opening music to this show is actually a classical piece. It's by an Italian composer named Rosini and it's called "The William Tell Overture."

  Ross Ewich : Uh-uh-uh, no-no-no. They SHOULD have used Debussey's "la Danse de Laisse Marionnettes."

  Christine McGlade : Why is that, Ross?

  Ross Ewich : 'Cause your kids' acting is so wooden.

• Mr. Schidtler : Can anyone tell me what the three B's are?

  Brodie Osome : Oh! Oh!

  Mr. Schidtler : Brodie.

  Brodie Osome : The Boss, the Beatles and the Beach Boys.

  Mr. Schidtler : Ohhh...

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh, me, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : Lisa.

  Lisa Ruddy : It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult and the B-52's. Yeah!

  Justin Cammy : No-no. How classless of you two? Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach and Brahms.

  Brodie Osome , Lisa Ruddy , Christine McGlade : Ohhh...

  Mr. Schidtler : Wrong! You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone and the queen bee. This is a science class. You forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds.

• Alasdair Gillis : [shackled to the dungeon wall]  What's all the noise?

  Nasti : Noise? Noise? Vhat? Those screams from the torture chamber are MUSIC to MY ears.

  Alasdair Gillis : Screams from the torture chamber?

  Nasti : Yes! Vhat d'you exshpect me to like, minuets? Oh, the sound of the human voice SCREAMING in terror. DHAT'S... music... to my ears. Oh-ho, love it! Oh, that reminds me, it's time for your music lessons.

• Nasti : It's fun-o'cock. You know what that means.

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, no! Not that! Come on! It's torture!

  Nasti : [chuckling]  I know. It's time...

  Nasti : [drops the keys]  oops... for your piano lesson.

  Alasdair Gillis : Ah-ha, come on! Can't you give me the rack instead?

  Nasti : No.

  Alasdair Gillis : Chinese water torture?

  Nasti : Mm-mm. No.

  Alasdair Gillis : Boiled in oil?

  Nasti : Come on.

• Justin Cammy : [at Barth's]  I don't come here for the food.

  Alasdair Gillis : Then why DO you come here?

  Justin Cammy : Well, it's the cheapest place I can get catgut for my violin.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Ross Ewich : [seeing the kids in tuxedos]  You guys goin' to a wedding or something? What's goin' on here?

  Christine McGlade : Ross, you're just in time to hear our quintet play Mozart's Concerto in D Minor for string instruments.

  Ross Ewich : What a minute! Moose, no-no-no. Mozart's Concerto in D Minor? You can't do that. That's a very difficult piece.

  Brodie Osome : We know, but we've been practicing for the last half hour.

  Ross Ewich : "HALF HOUR?"

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been an Out of Tune Production.