Les Lye: Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Blip, Snake-Eyes

Quotes 

• Announcer : Masterpiece Theatre will not be seen at this time in order that we may present the following program.

• Mr. Schidtler : Now can anyone give me an example of a Baroque writer?

  Justin Cammy : Oh, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : Mm-hm?

  Justin Cammy : I thought ALL writers were broke.

• Mr. Schidtler : Gulliver's Travels.

  Christine McGlade : Oh, yeah, that's the story where the guy gets shipwrecked and all these little, tiny people about six inches tall come and capture him and tie him up.

  Mr. Schidtler : Yeah, that's right, exactly. Little... little... Now, can anyone tell me what this is an example of?

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, sir!

  Mr. Schidtler : Alasdair.

  Alasdair Gillis : A short story?

  Mr. Schidtler : Where does the school board get them and why do they keep sending them to me?

• Alasdair Gillis : Are all agents like you?

  Nasti : Oh, no. Some o' dhem are not nice guys.

• Ben Schreiner : There's only one problem with immortality.

  Mr. Schidtler : What's that?

  Ben Schreiner : We have to be dead to get it.

  [the class responds encouragingly to Ben's statement] 

  Mr. Schidtler : [warningly]  You're all gonna be immortal by the end of the day.

• Christine McGlade : Hey, Barth.

  Barth Baggs : What?

  Christine McGlade : Do you read much?

  Justin Cammy : [interjecting]  Anything but a cookbook.

  Barth Baggs : D'ah, wait a minute. That... that is not true. I... dy'I once HAD a cookbook.

  Christine McGlade : Oh, how did you find it.

  Barth Baggs : Somebody left it here.

  Justin Cammy : [interjecting]  Probably a hint.

  Christine McGlade : Was it any good?

  Barth Baggs : Don't ask me, ask Justin. D'ah, he's the one that's eatin' it.

• Barth Baggs : I been thinkin' of writin' a diet cookbook, but I d-don't know how to start.

  Ben Schreiner : Well, I know.

  Barth Baggs : Yeah?

  Ben Schreiner : You write it in two sections.

  Barth Baggs : [pulling out a notepad]  Wait a minute. Two... Yeah?

  Ben Schreiner : Oh, yeah. In the first section, you write all the recipes.

  Barth Baggs : Recipes? Yeah?

  Ben Schreiner : And the second section, you write all the antidotes.

• Barth Baggs : Give me a good murder mystery anytime.

  Alasdair Gillis : Hey, yeah, I know what you mean. A good murder mystery. Uh, why don't you give me the daily special?

  [the other kids laugh] 

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been an A. Nonymous Production.