Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Vice-Principal

Quotes 

• Announcer : Life On Earth has been canceled in order that we may bring you the following bleak look at the future.

• Christine McGlade : Oh, Kevin, did you know that the ancient Romans used to predict the future by examining the guts and gizzards and intestines of chickens and animals?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : That's nothing. Barth has made a very prosperous business studying the insides of dead rats.

  Christine McGlade : Oh, come on. Really?

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, Whadda ya think's in the burgers?

• Mike Hora : Nobody reads their papers anymore.

  Lance Prevort : Oh, uh, that's right. Everybody gets their news from, uh, the teletext on the TV.

  Mike Hora : Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

  Lance Prevort : 'Cause we haven't found any way of wrapping up kitty litter in a television set.

• Doug Ptolemy : [at the firing squad]  I'm not afraid of you. You haven't managed to shoot anybody yet.

  El Capitano : Well, that may be true, but it's all going to change today.

  Doug Ptolemy : Why? What's so special about today?

  El Capitano : Because today we have new exorset bullets, which home in on the biggest target in front of them whenever I say "Fire!"

  [From a bullet's point of view, El Capitano is targeted and shot] 

• Lisa Ruddy : When you retire from teaching, sir, will you miss us kids?

  Mr. Schidtler : I miss you now.

  Lisa Ruddy : Awww...

  Mr. Schidtler : [pointedly]  Everything I say goes over your heads.

• Coach : Ahhh, YOU, Kubusheskie, ya take that ball and you run it all the way down the field a hundred yards for a touchdown. Ya KNEW we had to lose that game to make it to the finals. Why didn't you do it?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : But, Coach, you never told us that we changed ends at halftime. I thought I was going for the other team.

  Coach : [looking Heavenward]  Why is it always me? Even then I need stupid players, I get them that are TOO stupid.

• [It's Christmas and Doug's in tears] 

  Lance Prevort : Valerie, I do not understand why that kid is so upset.

  Valerie Prevort : What?

  Lance Prevort : Well, he asked for an apple for Christmas.

  Valerie Prevort : Yes?

  Lance Prevort : I gave him a whole bushel.

• Vice-Principal : Why are you in detention THIS time?

  Mike Hora : My computer forgot to do my homework last night.

  Vice-Principal : That's the third time this month.

• Lance Prevort : Lisa, shut up and drink your egg.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That Television has not been replaced by a computerized program... yet.

• Mr. Schidtler : When you kids graduate from school, you'll have no further problems or issues to deal with. You'll have all the time for yourselves. Play all day. No work.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : But sir, I want to work. I want to get a job.

  Mr. Schidtler : Well... if this wasn't an opposite sketch, I'd say there will be no work for you Kubusheskie, because you'll never get a job. But it is... so I won't discourage you.

• Mr. Schidtler : Class! Settle down, I have an announcement to make. Now because of the rising rates of unemployment in the country and of the expected rise in the future, the school board has decided to extend the school grades up to Grade 17.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Is that so that it will keep us kids in school longer and not in any unemployment line, sir?

  Mr. Schidtler : No, no. It's to keep us teachers in school, in jobs, and not in any unemployment line. Five extra new teachers I might add.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : But sir, with adding five extra grades just to hire five extra more teachers for this school that means I'll be... 23 before I graduate!

  Mr. Schidtler : Wrong again, Kevin. You'll be 23 before you pass THIS grade! By the way... where's last night's homework?