- Brodie Osome: [looking at Rodin's nude statue The Thinker] I wonder what he's thinking about, anyway.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: I don't know but he's probably thinking about where he left his pants.
- Announcer: Big Bird Dances Swan Lake will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring you the following cultural extravaganza.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Tevelevision we're going to serve up a cultural feast - so get your catsup ready!
- Brodie Osome: [reading] "A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!"
- Barth Baggs: Here.
- Brodie Osome: What's this?
- Barth Baggs: [grinning] Guess.
- [Brodie lifts the bun and his burger whinnies]
- [Lance sees son Kevin in a trench coat and hat about to sneak out of the house with a violin case]
- Lance Prevort: Hey, Kevin! Come here. Where d'ya think you're goin' with that?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Gonna go out and shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
- [Kevin reveals a tommy gun inside the case]
- Lance Prevort: Oh. Oh! Oh, well, oh... aw... that's okay. Ha-ha! I thought you were goin' to some boring violin lesson or something. Well, go on. There you go. Have fun!
- [Kevin and Martin fight over the TV remote]
- Valerie Prevort: [entering] What's going on here?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Martin, here, won't let me watch the opera.
- Martin Kerr: That's right, Mom. The Dukes of Hazzard are on the other channel and Kevin, here, wants to watch Rigoletto.
- Valerie Prevort: Is that so, Kevin?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Yes.
- Valerie Prevort: Now look, boys, how many times have I told you about junk TV and culture TV and being selective about what to watch?
- [the boys start fighting over the remote again]
- Valerie Prevort: Stop it! I don't want you watching any more of that worthwhile television. Now you turn to the Dukes of Hazzard this minute.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Mom... Mom, can I read Shakespeare's sonnets instead?
- Valerie Prevort: No! You're going to sit there and watch... them Duke boys.
- Peter Cockroach: [sampling the flavor of Barth's table] 1957, I would say - an excellent year for grease.
- Peter Cockroach: All in all, I would say that Barth's is a definite MUST for a delightful gourmet experience.
- Barth Baggs: Did I hear THAT?
- [the football team wears ballet tutus as well as shoulder pads]
- Brodie Osome: Come on, Coach! Do we really have to wear this stupid getup? We're gonna get laughed off the football field.
- Coach: We gotta as long as we're takin' that grant from the Department of Culture and Recreation. Okay now, boys, we gotta sing our team song - that's the Requiem from Mozart's Aida. Okay, ready? "Que chalida..." Come on, now!
- [squeezes Martin's face to help form the words]
- Mr. Schidtler: [addressing his class] Because I was unable to get enough seats for Friday afternoon's Shakespearean drama, I'm afraid that not all of you will be able to see the play.
- [the class gives a collective disapointed "Ohh..."]
- Mr. Schidtler: However... no... what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask for two volunteers who will give up their chance to see that play.
- [the entire class eagerly raises their hands]
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Oh! Oh! Sir! Sir!
- Mr. Schidtler: Oh, all right - Brodie and Kevin.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [shaking hands with Brodie] All right. Yeah.
- Mr. Schidtler: Now, wait. Because of the generosity of these two unselfish boys, I have a reward: two tickets to see the opera with Miss Fitt's class just down the hall. Now, let this be a lesson to the rest of the class: YOU are only going to see three hours of Shakespeare BUT those two boys are going to see five hours of NON-STOP OPERA! Well done, boys!
- Lisa Ruddy: Oh, Mom, I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
- Valerie Prevort: Why? What's your father done now, dear?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [at his easel] There. I'm finished.
- Christine McGlade: What? You only started painting me two minutes ago.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, I've done your face. I'll just do the rest later.
- Christine McGlade: Oh, well, why later?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, I didn't want to tell you, Moose, but I'm doing a nude painting of you.
- Christine McGlade: WHAT? Listen, Kevin, I'm not posing in the nude for you or anyone else!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Don't get excited. You don't have to. I've already done your face. I'll... I'll just do the rest at home. I'll imagine the rest.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [winks with a leer] I've got a great imagination.
- [Christine glares at Kevin and Kevin suddenly falls backward]
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Ow!
- Christine McGlade: I just imagined that I slugged you one.
- [Kevin now has a black eye]
- Christine McGlade: And I've got a great imagination, too.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [as Romeo] "Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the east and Juliet is the sun." What kind of parents would name their son "Juliet?"
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [standing before the class, giving a report in a low, hushed voice] It was late one night, on a beach, and the moon was glowing off of the ocean. And she was beautiful.
- Mr. Schidtler: Kevin?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: She wrapped her arms around me...
- Mr. Schidtler: Kevin! Kevin! KEVIN!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Yes, sir.
- Mr. Schidtler: I thought I told you to describe A Midsummer Night's Dream.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, I was, sir. I have this dream a lot during the middle of the summer.
- Mr. Schidtler: No, no, no, nooo. SHAKESPEARE'S Midsummer Night's Dream.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, how am I supposed to know that? I'm not Shakespeare! Why don't you ask him? How am I supposed to know what he drempt?
- Mr. Schidtler: [skyward] Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?