You Can't Do That on Television (TV Series)

Culture Junk (1982)

Les Lye: Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Peter Cockroach, German Doctor

Photos 

Quotes 

• Announcer : Big Bird Dances Swan Lake will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring you the following cultural extravaganza.

• Brodie Osome : [reading]  "A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

  Barth Baggs : Here.

  Brodie Osome : What's this?

  Barth Baggs : [grinning]  Guess.

  [Brodie lifts the bun and his burger whinnies] 

• [Lance sees son Kevin in a trench coat and hat about to sneak out of the house with a violin case] 

  Lance Prevort : Hey, Kevin! Come here. Where d'ya think you're goin' with that?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Gonna go out and shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

  [Kevin reveals a tommy gun inside the case] 

  Lance Prevort : Oh. Oh! Oh, well, oh... aw... that's okay. Ha-ha! I thought you were goin' to some boring violin lesson or something. Well, go on. There you go. Have fun!

• Peter Cockroach : [sampling the flavor of Barth's table]  1957, I would say - an excellent year for grease.

• Peter Cockroach : All in all, I would say that Barth's is a definite MUST for a delightful gourmet experience.

  Barth Baggs : Did I hear THAT?

• [the football team wears ballet tutus as well as shoulder pads] 

  Brodie Osome : Come on, Coach! Do we really have to wear this stupid getup? We're gonna get laughed off the football field.

  Coach : We gotta as long as we're takin' that grant from the Department of Culture and Recreation. Okay now, boys, we gotta sing our team song - that's the Requiem from Mozart's Aida. Okay, ready? "Que chalida..." Come on, now!

  [squeezes Martin's face to help form the words] 

• Mr. Schidtler : [addressing his class]  Because I was unable to get enough seats for Friday afternoon's Shakespearean drama, I'm afraid that not all of you will be able to see the play.

  [the class gives a collective disapointed "Ohh..."] 

  Mr. Schidtler : However... no... what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask for two volunteers who will give up their chance to see that play.

  [the entire class eagerly raises their hands] 

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Oh! Oh! Sir! Sir!

  Mr. Schidtler : Oh, all right - Brodie and Kevin.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : [shaking hands with Brodie]  All right. Yeah.

  Mr. Schidtler : Now, wait. Because of the generosity of these two unselfish boys, I have a reward: two tickets to see the opera with Miss Fitt's class just down the hall. Now, let this be a lesson to the rest of the class: YOU are only going to see three hours of Shakespeare BUT those two boys are going to see five hours of NON-STOP OPERA! Well done, boys!

• Kevin Kubusheskie : [standing before the class, giving a report in a low, hushed voice]  It was late one night, on a beach, and the moon was glowing off of the ocean. And she was beautiful.

  Mr. Schidtler : Kevin?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : She wrapped her arms around me...

  Mr. Schidtler : Kevin! Kevin! KEVIN!

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Yes, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : I thought I told you to describe A Midsummer Night's Dream.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Well, I was, sir. I have this dream a lot during the middle of the summer.

  Mr. Schidtler : No, no, no, nooo. SHAKESPEARE'S Midsummer Night's Dream.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Well, how am I supposed to know that? I'm not Shakespeare! Why don't you ask him? How am I supposed to know what he drempt?

  Mr. Schidtler : [skyward]  Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been a Tutu Much Production.