Doug Ptolemy: Doug

Quotes 

• Alasdair Gillis : How about coming around to my house for Halloween?

  Mike Cameron : Oh, sure. You having a party?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, no. You see, I just got kinda tired of carving a jack-o-lantern each year, so I decided that I could just stick you in the window with a candle in your mouth.

  Doug Ptolemy : Boy, are we ever getting nasty around here.

• [the boys, dressed in identical business suits and ties, ring the doorbell of a house] 

  Doug Ptolemy , Mike Cameron , Alasdair Gillis : [together, as the door opens]  TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!

  Homeowner : Ha-ha-ha, Happy Halloween. Wait a minute. This is Halloween. How come you guys aren't dressed up to SCARE people?

  Doug Ptolemy : We ARE dressed up to scare people. I'm Ted, and I'm an insurance salesman.

  Homeowner : What?

  Mike Cameron : Yeah, and I'm Larry, and I'm a politician.

  Homeowner : Oh, no.

  Alasdair Gillis : And I, sir, am Brit, and I'm a tax auditor.

  Homeowner : AHHHHHHHH!

  [Horrified, the homeowner flees into the safety of his house, spilling all his candy in his haste, which the delighted boys scoop up] 

• [the kids excitedly check through their candy haul for Halloween when Lance enters, apparently having been out trick-or-treating himself] 

  Alasdair Gillis : Hey, Dad, how d'YOU do? I mean, we really cleaned up, right guys?

  Mike Cameron : Yeah.

  Doug Ptolemy : Yeah.

  Lance Prevort : Hey, listen, kids. I did real good.

  [Lance pulls out one six-pack after another from his bag] 

  Mike Cameron : But, Dad?

  Lance Prevort : Uh-huh?

  Mike Cameron : You didn't get any CANDY. All you got is BEER.

  Lance Prevort : Well, you trick-or-treat YOUR way and I'll trick-or-treat MY way.

• Doug Ptolemy : Do you like Halloween, Blip?

  Blip : Halloween? No, no, it's the most frightening night of the year.

  Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, some of those costumes are pretty wild.

  Blip : No-no, not the costumes.

  Doug Ptolemy : Ohhhh, you mean all those ghosts and goblins that're around?

  Blip : No, not all those ghosts and goblins. I mean you kids out there trickin' and treatin' when you should be in here spending your money - that's what scares ME.

• Lance Prevort : Dougie, are you all ready? Have you got soap for soapin' windows?

  Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got soap, right there.

  Lance Prevort : All right, and, uh, chalk. You gotta chalk obscenities on the sidewalk?

  Doug Ptolemy : Yup.

  Lance Prevort : Ah, let's see. Eggs. Uh, you got eggs?

  Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got lots of eggs. Mom gave me some - very smelly.

  Lance Prevort : Really rotten eggs - that's perfect. Oh, and, uh, paint?

  Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got it right here.

  Lance Prevort : Ah, Dougie, I guess you are all ready. Away you go. Hm-hm.

  Doug Ptolemy : But, Dad, all I wanna do is get out there and collect some candy.

  Lance Prevort : Listen! What was good enough for me when I was a kid is good enough for you. Now, get out there and vandalize!

• Alasdair Gillis : [giddy]  I just wish I could've seen old Barthy's face when he found all that garbage outside his front door.

  Mike Cameron : That was so funny.

  [the kids go quiet as Barth comes near] 

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, hello.

  Alasdair Gillis , Mike Cameron , Doug Ptolemy , Lisa Ruddy : [altogether and sing-songy, like in a classroom]  Hi, Mr. Barfy.

  Barth Baggs : You know, it appears that, uh, last night, uh, d'yah bunch of kids thought it was dyah cute little idea to dump a whole bunch o' garbage on my front doorstep. Uh, dyah, just a Halloween prank. I suppose that you wouldn't know anything about that, then?

  Alasdair Gillis , Mike Cameron , Doug Ptolemy , Lisa Ruddy : [overlapping denials]  No. Not me.

  Barth Baggs : Well, no-no, it, uh, doesn't matter. I was... I just wanted to, uh, thank them. Mm.

  Alasdair Gillis : Whadda you mean?

  Barth Baggs : Well, you see, I took all that garbage and I put it in the blender and...

  Barth Baggs : [sing-songy]  ... whadda ya think's in the burgers?