You Can't Do That on Television (TV Series)
Halloween (1984)
Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Snake-Eyes, Dentist, Magician, Homeowner
Quotes
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Announcer : Boy George Without Make-Up will not be shown at this time. In its place we present something even more frightening.
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Alasdair Gillis : [stuck in detention] Do you believe that on Halloween night ghosts and demons roam the streets?
Principal : Oh, ho-ho, no, of course not, Alasdair. That's just superstitious, childish nonsense.
Alasdair Gillis : So, there are no ghosts or demons out there?
Principal : No ghosts, no demons.
Alasdair Gillis : So, if I go out there, I won't get haunted or chased or a bad curse put on me?
Principal : You'll be quite safe.
Alasdair Gillis : Oh, I believe you, sir. So, it's okay for me to go right out there?
Principal : That's right. Absolutely. No harm will come to you. Come on. 'Way you go.
Alasdair Gillis : Thank you, sir.
Principal : That-a-boy.
Alasdair Gillis : [leaving the room] Thank you very much. Trick-or-treating here I come.
Principal : [slowly realizing he's been tricked] Um... Wait. D'uh...
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[the boys, dressed in identical business suits and ties, ring the doorbell of a house]
Doug Ptolemy , Mike Cameron , Alasdair Gillis : [together, as the door opens] TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!
Homeowner : Ha-ha-ha, Happy Halloween. Wait a minute. This is Halloween. How come you guys aren't dressed up to SCARE people?
Doug Ptolemy : We ARE dressed up to scare people. I'm Ted, and I'm an insurance salesman.
Homeowner : What?
Mike Cameron : Yeah, and I'm Larry, and I'm a politician.
Homeowner : Oh, no.
Alasdair Gillis : And I, sir, am Brit, and I'm a tax auditor.
Homeowner : AHHHHHHHH!
[Horrified, the homeowner flees into the safety of his house, spilling all his candy in his haste, which the delighted boys scoop up]
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[the kids excitedly check through their candy haul for Halloween when Lance enters, apparently having been out trick-or-treating himself]
Alasdair Gillis : Hey, Dad, how d'YOU do? I mean, we really cleaned up, right guys?
Mike Cameron : Yeah.
Doug Ptolemy : Yeah.
Lance Prevort : Hey, listen, kids. I did real good.
[Lance pulls out one six-pack after another from his bag]
Mike Cameron : But, Dad?
Lance Prevort : Uh-huh?
Mike Cameron : You didn't get any CANDY. All you got is BEER.
Lance Prevort : Well, you trick-or-treat YOUR way and I'll trick-or-treat MY way.
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Nasti : [entering sing-songy with a huge sack] It's Halloween! Here I come! Trick or treat!
Alasdair Gillis : [shackled against the dungeon wall] You sure are greedy. That's the biggest bag I've ever seen in my life.
Nasti : Oh, vell, it has to be.
Alasdair Gillis : Do you really except that you're gonna get that much candy?
Nasti : Oh, no-no-no, but three or four kids might fit in here very nicely.
Alasdair Gillis : Well, I could do with the company anyway.
Nasti : [tapping the shackled human skeleton nearby] You know, that's what Hodgkins used to say.
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Doug Ptolemy : Do you like Halloween, Blip?
Blip : Halloween? No, no, it's the most frightening night of the year.
Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, some of those costumes are pretty wild.
Blip : No-no, not the costumes.
Doug Ptolemy : Ohhhh, you mean all those ghosts and goblins that're around?
Blip : No, not all those ghosts and goblins. I mean you kids out there trickin' and treatin' when you should be in here spending your money - that's what scares ME.
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Lance Prevort : Dougie, are you all ready? Have you got soap for soapin' windows?
Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got soap, right there.
Lance Prevort : All right, and, uh, chalk. You gotta chalk obscenities on the sidewalk?
Doug Ptolemy : Yup.
Lance Prevort : Ah, let's see. Eggs. Uh, you got eggs?
Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got lots of eggs. Mom gave me some - very smelly.
Lance Prevort : Really rotten eggs - that's perfect. Oh, and, uh, paint?
Doug Ptolemy : Yeah, I got it right here.
Lance Prevort : Ah, Dougie, I guess you are all ready. Away you go. Hm-hm.
Doug Ptolemy : But, Dad, all I wanna do is get out there and collect some candy.
Lance Prevort : Listen! What was good enough for me when I was a kid is good enough for you. Now, get out there and vandalize!
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Alasdair Gillis : [giddy] I just wish I could've seen old Barthy's face when he found all that garbage outside his front door.
Mike Cameron : That was so funny.
[the kids go quiet as Barth comes near]
Barth Baggs : Dyah, hello.
Alasdair Gillis , Mike Cameron , Doug Ptolemy , Lisa Ruddy : [altogether and sing-songy, like in a classroom] Hi, Mr. Barfy.
Barth Baggs : You know, it appears that, uh, last night, uh, d'yah bunch of kids thought it was dyah cute little idea to dump a whole bunch o' garbage on my front doorstep. Uh, dyah, just a Halloween prank. I suppose that you wouldn't know anything about that, then?
Alasdair Gillis , Mike Cameron , Doug Ptolemy , Lisa Ruddy : [overlapping denials] No. Not me.
Barth Baggs : Well, no-no, it, uh, doesn't matter. I was... I just wanted to, uh, thank them. Mm.
Alasdair Gillis : Whadda you mean?
Barth Baggs : Well, you see, I took all that garbage and I put it in the blender and...
Barth Baggs : [sing-songy] ... whadda ya think's in the burgers?
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Snake-Eyes : Hey, hey, you kids, I guess you thought it was purdy funny puttin' sugar in my gas tank on Halloween.
Alasdair Gillis , Christine McGlade : [tittering] Who, us?
Snake-Eyes : Well, revenge is sweet, ya know.
Lisa Ruddy : [complacently] Whadda you mean?
Snake-Eyes : I'm gonna take you to a place that's so scary you'll never pull a prank like that again.
Alasdair Gillis : Oh, I know, guys. It's probably the swamp, but don't worry, Snake-Eyes, that's not gonna scare us a bit.
Snake-Eyes : Wrong! It's scarier than that.
Christine McGlade : I know. I-i-it's gotta be the cemetery at night.
Alasdair Gillis : Right.
Christine McGlade : I mean, it might be a little frightening, but I'm sure we can handle it.
Alasdair Gillis , Lisa Ruddy : Ha-ha-ha.
Snake-Eyes : Wrong, candy-breath.
Lisa Ruddy : [now concerned] Where are you taking us, Snake-Eyes?
Snake-Eyes : To the dentist's office. He'll have a field day with you kids with ya eatin' all that candy, ha-ha-ha.