- Announcer: PacMan Eats General Hospital will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring the following.
- Lisa Ruddy: Why do we eat here?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: I think we're addicted to cat meat.
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- Lance Prevort: Martin, Martin, the radio! Turn it up. Your mother and I can hear ourselves think.
- Martin Kerr: But, Dad, I like to listen to it soft.
- Lance Prevort: No buts. And, by the way, crank it over to a rock station.
- Lance Prevort: Why can't you go over to the arcade and play Space Invaders, mixing with delinquents the way the other kids do?
- El Capitano: Ready! Aim!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
- El Capitano: What is it this time?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Don't you think that maybe this could be a little dangerous?
- El Capitano: Dangerous? Ha-ha-ha! "Dangerous!" Ha-ha. Sure! Dangerous for YOU, but not for me. Heh-heh. Amigos... Ready! Aim!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: No, I mean for you.
- El Capitano: Oh-ho, ha-ha-ha! For me, dangerous? Ha-ha-ha-ha. How?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Don't you think that maybe you're becoming addicted to these executions? How long have you been out here, anyway, trying to shoot someone?
- El Capitano: Oh, a long time.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: That's right. And don't you wake up every morning eager to get out here?
- El Capitano: Ah, heh-heh-hehh, yeah, I suppose so.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: And don't you think that the more people you shoot the more dangerous it becomes?
- El Capitano: Maybe, but, uh, I don't know, what can I do?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, knowing that you're addicted is the first part of the cure, so you're halfway there.
- El Capitano: Oh, good.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: But the second part of the cure is much more difficult, and it is also very important if you are ever to become free of this dangerous addiction of yours.
- El Capitano: [mumbles] Wait a minute, you've got to tell me what to do. I don't want to be a slave to my addiction.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Okay, well the first thing you do is you stand here like a prisoner, okay?
- El Capitano: [trading positions with Kevin] Oh. Well, that's not so hard.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Okay. And to make you feel like it's real, I have to play YOUR part, okay?
- El Capitano: Okay. Wait. Are you sure this is going to work?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Oh, yeah. You'll be cured all right. Now, ready! Aim! FIRE!
- [guns fire]
- Kevin Kubusheskie: I told you you'll be cured.
- El Capitano: [dying] That's one... sneaky... kid. Sacramento!
- Valerie Prevort: [at the sink] Either I'm addicted to washing dishes or your father is addicted to dirtying them.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, why don't you get Lisa to wash them?
- Valerie Prevort: Because Lisa has to go to her ballet practice. But, Kevin, YOU don't have to go anywhere. You can stay and help me do the dishes.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [eyes wide with alarm] Ah, no, I have to, uh... go to my... ballet lesson.
- Valerie Prevort: [as Kevin exists] Oh, all right, dear. Wait a minute! You don't have a ballet practice. You get back here!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [returning] Well, it was worth a try.
- Announcer: [as a Pac-Man image devours Lisa, Christine and Kevin] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production.
- Lisa Ruddy: Mom, what happened at General Hospital today?
- Valerie Prevort: Oh, Lisa it was terrible. Luke and Laura have been hit by the mob. And Luke had his right arm cut off! And Laura is about to loose the baby that Dr. Grenville is trying to save, except that it's really Dr. Grenville's baby, and if Luke ever finds out he'll probally try and kill him, except that the mob knows about this. So, they're trying to blackmail Laura's mother into telling them where their money that Cynthia has in the safe that Laura...
- Lisa Ruddy: [interupting] No, no, Mom. Not THAT General Hospital. The real general hospital downtown where they took Dad for an accute apendicitis. They didn't know if he would live or die. What happened?
- Valerie Prevort: I don't know. But it's not that important because today I learned that Cynthia is really Luke's first wife from out on the post and she's about to have a baby... and it may be Luke's.