Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Blip, Librarian

Quotes 

• Announcer : Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood will not be seen at this time because the neighborhood has been declared unsafe. In its place we present a program made WITHOUT parental guidance.

• Mr. Schidtler : No student is allowed to go on an excursion without a note from his or her parents.

  Lisa Ruddy : [writhing]  Come on, sir. PLEASE make an exception. Please.

  Mr. Schidtler : LISA! I'm sorry but RULES are RULES!

  Lisa Ruddy : [gasping]  But I only want to got to the bathroom. Please.

  Mr. Schidtler : Lisa, if I make an exception in your case, I'll have to make an exception for everyone. I'm sorry, my dear, but you'll just have to wait for the bell.

• El Capitano : Ah, come on! Stop your shivering and get shot like a man!

• Christine McGlade : 'Scuse me.

  Librarian : Yes.

  Christine McGlade : This book has nothing but a bunch of four-letter words in it.

  Librarian : Oh, let me see THAT. Mmm. Oh, oh, yes, this is the, uh, censor's copy.

  Christine McGlade : Don't you mean a "censored" copy?

  Librarian : No-no, I mean "censor's" copy. You see, what he does, he takes all those words out of the books that he lets YOU read and he puts 'em into a book for himself.

• Nasti : Today is your day of release.

  Lisa Ruddy : [ecstatic]  Oh! Woo-woo! Party time!

  Nasti : Yes, your day of release - BUT ve are not going to release you.

  Lisa Ruddy : Why not?

  Nasti : Vell, have you caught any diseases vhile you vas in here?

  Lisa Ruddy : No.

  Nasti : Nope? Broken any bones?

  Lisa Ruddy : No.

  Nasti : No. Fallen out any, uh, vindows? Uh, got run over by any cars? Put your hand on a hot shtove?

  Lisa Ruddy : No, of course not. How could I? I've been in here.

  Nasti : Yes. Vell, for your own good, the government has decided that you are gonna be chained up in this dungeon for anudder TEN YEARS to keep you safe unt sound. See ya around.

• Brodie Osome : You know, I think Barthy should put his burgers in childproof containers.

  Lisa Ruddy : Why?

  Brodie Osome : Well, isn't it a federal regulation that all poisons are to be kept in childproof bottles?

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that! And I'll have you know I DO keep my burger mixture in childproof containers ALL THE TIME!

  Lisa Ruddy : Well, yeah, Brodie, that's so the children can't get out.

  Brodie Osome : Can't get out? Don't you mean "can't get IN?"

  Lisa Ruddy : No, "can't get out." Who do you think's IN THE BURGERS?

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Brodie Osome : [in the dungeon]  Why am I being chained up in here, anyway?

  Nasti : 'Cause you missed school yesterday.

  Brodie Osome : So how long am I gonna be chained up?

  Nasti : Vone day for every day of shkool you missed.

  Brodie Osome : Then I can go tomorrow?

  Nasti : No. No.

  Brodie Osome : Why not?

  Nasti : 'Cause you vill have missed school TODAY.

  Brodie Osome : Then I can go the day AFTER tomorrow?

  Nasti : No-no, no... No, 'cause you will have missed tomorrow by serving your sentence for today, and that is three days in a row, and the punishment for repeat offenders iss two days in dhis dungeon. No, Brodie, I think I'm gonna see a lot of you.

• [Vanessa and Natalie enter Mr. Schidtler's class, with Vanessa singing a funeral dirge and Natalie carrying a covered food dish] 

  Natalie Salat : I brought you your breakfast from home economics class, just like you asked, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : Thank you Natalie and Vanessa. Mmm-mmm-mm! Natalie? Na-ta-lieeee.

  Natalie Salat : Yes, sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : This breakfast isn't cooked. In fact, the eggs and the steak are raw!

  Natalie Salat : Oh, yes, I know, sir, but there's nothing I can do about it, sir. There's a new rule. The school board says that we're not allowed to cook on a hot stove in case we burn ourselves, so I cooked your breakfast on a cold stove. Now, eat it up before it gets warm!

• Brodie Osome : [sitting in Barth's Burgery]  You know, Lisa, when I was a little kid, my mom used to get mad at me when I ate the little mud pies I made in the puddles.

  Lisa Ruddy : Really, Brodie?

  Brodie Osome : Yeah, she said all that dirt would make me sick.

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh! Oh, I get it. So now you come here and eat THIS dirt and make up for lost time.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Lance Prevort : [locked out of his own house]  OPEN THE DOOR!

  Doug Ptolemy : [from inside]  Mom says I'm not allowed to open the door to ANYONE until she gets home.

• Blip : [seeing Brodie pound on an arcade machine]  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't damage the machine.

  Brodie Osome : But, Blip, I just put a quarter in it and it doesn't work.

  Blip : Put in another quarter. N'yeah. No, don't...!

  Brodie Osome : [banging on it]  STILL doesn't work!

  Blip : Don't kick the machine. I KNOW it doesn't work. There's a new city bylaw that says you kids can't play video games anymore.

  Brodie Osome : But you took my fifty cents.

  Blip : Bylaw doesn't say anything about taking kids' money.

  Brodie Osome : So you took my money and give me nothing in return.

  Blip : That's it. What's new about that? Government does it all the time. Ask your dad.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been produced in cooperation with The Society for the Prevention of Watching Television.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television is protected by copyright.

  Announcer : [to someone off-camera]  Who'd want to copy it, anyway?