- Announcer: The regular broadcast of You Can't Do That On Television will not be seen at this time in order that the sponsors may bring you a new, improved, extra-strength, whiter than white and extra clean program.
- Lisa Ruddy: You mean there aren't gonna be any changes? Despite everyone saying that this was a new and improved, extra clean, whiter and whiter show, it's gonna be the same as before?
- Christine McGlade: Well, no, not entirely.
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, what are they gonna do different?
- Christine McGlade: It's gonna coast more and there's gonna be less of it.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Barth's making a sandwich board.
- Liz Richardson: Why? Aren't his sandwiches boring enough already?
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [at the arcade] I was just playing this game and during the most exciting part, up on the screen comes a commercial.
- Blip: Oh... yeah... well "advertising oils the wheels of business." T'yeah! Besides, it pays well, heh-heh.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: You mean you've got commercials on all of these games?
- Blip: Yeah! You don't seem to mind them on television.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: It's a rip-off!
- Blip: Listen, if ya don't like it, ya don't have to pay.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well... they're not THAT bad.
- Alasdair Gillis: Paperboy! No paper today.
- Lance Prevort: What? No paper today? Why not?
- Alasdair Gillis: No news and nothing interesting happened; so, no paper. Oh, yeah, and the editor said we're supposed to go around to every house and give them their money back? Yeah. So, here's your money. Keep the change. Tip.
- Mr. Schidtler: Good morning. Oh, do you know what a joy it is to walk in here and see those beaming faces? Up in the staff lounge just now, the rest of the teachers and I were saying how wonderful it is to teach you. I mean, you're so well-behaved, and you always do all your homework and never give us any trouble.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Is that all true, sir? Uhm, do you really say all those nice things about us when you have meetings with the other teachers?
- Mr. Schidtler: You out of your tree, Kubusheskie? This is an opposite skit.
- Lance Prevort: Aw, this week without television is killin' me. How can you kids stand it without nothin' to watch?
- Alasdair Gillis: That's easy. See, I just go down to my friend's house and watch it there.
- Lance Prevort: Oh. Is that what your mother's doin'? I don't know how she can function without her soaps.
- Alasdair Gillis: No. Mom just goes down to the laundromat and watches the drier clothes tumble.
- Valerie Prevort: [bursting in] Lance, you should have been there! Oh, it was so exciting! Mrs. Waller's nightgown got all entangled with Mr. Fink's pajama bottoms. And you know young Dr. Alexander? Well, his pink shirt kept chasing after that handsome young football jersey. I mean, who would have thought that young Dr. Alexander would be that kind of person?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Mom bought some of these new TV dinners.
- [Kevin drops a coin through a slit in the tin foil]
- Alasdair Gillis: Kevin, why did you just put a quarter in that section?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: 'Cause they're Pay TV dinners, dummy.
- Lisa Ruddy: You know, Christine, all these commercials about food and restaurants and cooking shows are just awful. Every time I see them, I want to get up to the fridge and go get something to eat.
- Christine McGlade: From the looks of it, you must watch a heck of a lot of television.
- Christine McGlade: D'you catch the game on TV last night?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Oh, yeah, like he's throw that ball likes nobody, eh?
- Christine McGlade: Kevin, sometimes I just can't understand a word you say. Where... where did you learn to talk like that?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: From watching them sport interviews.
- [Kevin gets drenched]
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Come on, guys! I said "What are you talking about?" not "Water you ta..."
- [Kevin gets drenched again]
- Valerie Prevort: [to the newspaper boy lugging his route bag] Don't these big newspapers make you awfully tired?
- Alasdair Gillis: No, I just deliver 'em. I don't read 'em.
- Lisa Ruddy: Did you know that television cameras add fifty pounds to your weight?
- Alasdair Gillis: Really?
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, yeah, so I make sure I don't eat any television cameras.
- Christine McGlade: Why is television called a medium?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: I don't know. Why?
- Christine McGlade: Because it's neither rare nor well-done.
- Nasti: Whadda you think of this camp advertisement? Now, listen... listen here: "Spacious individual rooms, air-conditioning, pool, and exceptionally vell-eqvipped ca... uhm..." Wait a minute.
- Nasti: [lifts eye patch to read better] Oh, "... constant individual attention from concerned and attentive staff. Exercise equipment tone and stretch each muscle. Plenty of time for relaxation."
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [shackled to the dungeon wall] Oh, wow, I'd LOVE to go THERE.
- Nasti: No-no, you ARE there. This is the advertisement for THIS place. Why do you think your parents sent you here? See ya around.
- Christine McGlade: I have just finalized the plans for a whole new and improved You Can't Do That On Television, and this is my master plan for the new show format.
- Lisa Ruddy: Uh, Christine, this is exactly the same format we've been using all along.
- Christine McGlade: Yeah. So?
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, then it's not "new and improved," is it?
- Christine McGlade: Well, yeah! I did the exact same thing that anyone else does when they "new and improve" a product.
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, what's that?
- Christine McGlade: Well, they just say it's new and improved just to make people think that it is when it's just really the same show all along. Ah, pretty good, ay? But, I've something even better to make people really believe that it's new and improved.
- [Holds up a sign that reads: "Under New Management"]