- Announcer: Laverne and Shirley Go To Finishing School will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following show - which is getting to be a bad habit.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Oh, uh, Blip, thanks for taking me.
- Blip: Eh, don't you mean "Thanks for having me?"
- Kevin Kubusheskie: No, I mean thanks for taking me - for every cent I got.
- Blip: Oh, no trouble. Anytime you've got a pocketful of loose change, drop in.
- Ross Ewich: Our show today is about manners: bad manners. You know, stuff like pickin' your nose and bitin' your nails, and belchin', gettin' the wrong fork at the right time, uh, you know, that, uh... bad habits.
- Ross Ewich, Christine McGlade: [both realizing] HABITS!
- Christine McGlade: [wearing a nun's outfit] You know, Ross, one of these days we'll have to hire a costume lady who'll read more than just the title of the script.
- Ross Ewich: You're so right.
- Christine McGlade: [reading from the YCDTOTV producers' book of etiquette] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."
- El Capitano: Ready! Aim!
- Alasdair Gillis: Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
- El Capitano: What ees eet thees time?
- Alasdair Gillis: What am I being shot for?
- El Capitano: You are being shot because you have very bad manners. Ready! Aim!
- Alasdair Gillis: Wait a minute! I've got very GOOD manners. Even my Aunt Mildred says so.
- El Capitano: You got a point. So you've got good manners, BUT you have one very bad habit. Ready! Aim!
- Alasdair Gillis: WHAT?
- El Capitano: What what?
- Alasdair Gillis: What's my bad habit?
- El Capitano: You keep interrupting people!
- Lisa Ruddy: I've been thinking about your habits.
- Christine McGlade: What habits?
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, you know, your bad habits, like picking the lint out of your oversized belly button while eating popcorn at the movie theater. And... and going to the all-you-can-eat salad bar six times - I could have died of embarrassment...
- Christine McGlade: LISA!
- Lisa Ruddy: Christine, don't interrupt. You know it's bad manners and, Lord knows, you could use some tips on your manners.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: You know, Barfy runs a pretty clean place around here.
- Alasdair Gillis: Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here.
- Christine McGlade: Yeah. And you know, if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: No, I mean it, really. Like, just yesterday I put some gum underneath the table here and now it's gone. Well done, Barthy.
- Barth Baggs: Thanks, Kevin. You know, today I, uh, ran out of mozzarella cheese, so I needed something for the top of your pizza, so I scraped all the gum from underneath all the tables. Waste not, want not.
- Christine McGlade: You know, I wondered why this cheese was pink.
- Lance Prevort: Valerie, I think I found out where Alasdair is hiding his used bubble gum.
- Valerie Prevort: Oh, where's that, dear?
- Lance Prevort: In the holes in my bowling ball. Look!
- Valerie Prevort: Well, I can't see, dear. Your hands are in the way.
- Lance Prevort: Of course, because my... can't get my fingers out. They're stuck in there. You know, I didn't mind makin' a strike with my head, but comin' back through that ball return was murder!
- Christine McGlade: Kevin, do you have any bad habits?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Nope. Well, maybe a few. Actually, quite a lot; but, you know, I've been trying to get over them, and you've been helping me quite a lot, Moose.
- Christine McGlade: Really?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, yeah. For example, I used to be crazy about every girl I met. Well, then I met you, and, Moose, I want to thank you for opening my eyes.
- Vanessa Lindores: What's worse than picking you nose in public?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Picking someone else's nose in private.
- Lisa Ruddy: Alasdair, this constantly borrowing of yours has become a very bad habit. Is there anything else of mine that you borrowed?
- Alasdair Gillis: Uh, yeah, I borrowed your toothbrush.
- Lisa Ruddy: My toothbrush? Alasdair, that's disgusting.
- Alasdair Gillis: Lisa, I didn't borrow it to brush my teeth. I borrowed it to polish my shoes.
- Christine McGlade: Kevin, do you drool?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, yeah, all the time.
- Christine McGlade, Lisa Ruddy: [together] You drool?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, yeah, every time I see a really pretty girl, I drool.
- Lisa Ruddy: I've never seen you drool.
- Christine McGlade: No, me, neither.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, of course not. I said every time I see a PRETTY girl.
- Announcer: The manners portrayed in this production of You Can't Do That On Television are those of the producers and are not endorsed by the participants.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [confidentially to Alasdair] ... the one whose name is Rod, and the other one whose name is Phil, and they're gonna get married..."
- [Moose walks in and the boys stop talking together]