You Can't Do That on Television (TV Series)

Nutrition (1981)

Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Elwood Pus

Quotes 

• Scott Sandeman : Hey, Zilch, don't you think Barfy's a dirty slob?

  Zilch : No, I don't THINK Barfy's a dirty slob. I KNOW he is.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Barth Baggs : Hey. Hey, Zilch! Remember! Today is the day you clean all the grease off the hamburger griddle.

  Zilch : What, again? So soon? It's amazing how quickly a year goes by.

• Announcer : Miss Piggy Eats Ham Sandwiches will not be shown at this time in order that we may give you gas with the following load of junk.

• Doctor : [examining Lisa]  That kind of nose runs in your family.

• Mr. Schidtler : Which... which weighs more: a pound of celery or a pound of french fries?

  Martin Kerr : Sir. Sir.

  Mr. Schidtler : Martin.

  Martin Kerr : A pound of french fries.

  Mr. Schidtler : [laughs]  Wrong. Caught you. No, no, a pound of celery and a pound of french fries are the same. They both weigh a pound. Trick question!

  Martin Kerr : Not the day after you've eaten them. You put on a lot more weigh after eating a pound of french fries than a pound of celery. Got you. Trick answer!

• Kevin Schenk : [eating pizza dinner]  Hey, Dad?

  Lance Prevort : Uh, yeah, yeah.

  Kevin Schenk : When will Mom be back from taking care of Granny?

  Lance Prevort : I don't know. In a week or two weeks. I don't know.

  Kevin Schenk : Well, I hope it's soon or I'm gonna start lookin' like a take-out pizza.

• Mr. Schidtler : Lisa!

  Lisa Ruddy : Yes, sir? Have I done anything wrong, sir? I hope not, 'cause I'd just die if I did anything wrong. I'm t...

  Mr. Schidtler : LISA! You are to go and sit for the rest of the day in the principal's office.

  Lisa Ruddy : The principal's office! But, sir, why, sir? Have I done anything wrong? I didn't think I did anything wrong.

  Mr. Schidtler : [trying to interrupt]  No-no. No! NO! YOU haven't done anything wrong, the PRINCIPAL has done something wrong, and for his punishment the school board decided that you would go and sit with him in his office all day long. So, go. Go-go-go-go.

  Lisa Ruddy : How can I be punishment for the principal, sir? I don't understand. I think you should explain to me, because I'm very confused right now. I...

  Mr. Schidtler : Lisa! Because having you sit in the principal's office with him is the nearest thing to sheer Hell that the school board would commit.

• Elwood Pus : Zits and pimples provided courtesy of Junk Foods. Junk Foods - operating worldwide to give you the pimples you deserve. This is Elwood Pus speaking. You Can't Do That On Television has been an Acne Production.

• Barth Baggs : You only got one pimple - masquerading as a head.